Me

2012-02-13T00:43:00.000+08:00

http://chrisguillebeau.com/3x5/what-to-do-about-those-people/
Stuff like that will be useful for the rest of my life.

2012-02-12T20:28:00.003+08:00

http://9gag.com/gag/2587695
Aw.

I am getting better, I will get better, I will be fine by tomorrow. Really, it's about how well I can resist, how well I can keep away. Hang in there! Like a drug, this will be over soon. Just last until this is blows over. Just last for 10 more months, and this all will end. I will never have to face it again.

I've always felt this but have never said it. Daydreamer is a lovely song. So is the whole album actually, really lovely.

Some people are never meant to be. Cheer up! There will be others, there are some already.

2012-02-12T18:18:00.003+08:00

Finally recovered. I survived, but still feel like vomitting. The painkillers took forever to kick in, so in the end I fell asleep and missed lunch, and most importantly I'm not going anywhere tonight. My mother thought it was pretty cute that after all that I went through this morning the first thing on my mind was still Page One. In fact the first thing I did after I woke up was to bathe so that I'd be presentable. See, there's a reason I write things on myself. I really want to go. She said next week, but it'll be so crowded. Hopefully Saturday afternoon. I'll have to keep that slot free.

I remember in sec 4 I happened to keep choosing books about screwed up families. I think Bliss by Peter Carey was the most interesting.

Wonderful things work for you when you are in pain. Pain is temporary! Quit whining just relax and let it wash over you.

Foster the People! Really want Torches.

Still got quite a lot to do, since I wasn't functioning this morning. Gotta get back on track, will take me a while to. So giddy now, my brother is eating good food for dinner and I'm stuck on porridge because I can't open my mouth. Stupid rubber bands giving me a headache as well. The worst part is that I can't yawn, which feels horrid.

So messy, my room!

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No, but really though, I'm not done. I don't feel absolutely perfect yet, some bits of me are still strange. Like my lower leg, the muscles there feel strange. As though it has constricted, and there's a sport band there. The whole feeling of dustiness, tightness, all my muscles are sore as well, maybe I htrashed about too much. There was a muscleache on my leg after the picnic, but this is just strange. Maybe conterpain will help.

2012-02-11T15:06:00.003+08:00

If the end-of-year plan for Taiwan is serious, then I need to start saving. Page One is closing down, so I anticipate myself spending about $50 getting books, maybe more, and I want some music and stationary too. Like a planner. It should be urgent but it isn't so far. I've been coping well. I want a job so bad, but I really don't dare to go and actually get one. So many opportunities lying around me, just have to start. Gongcha may be a good try. Ikea sounds like a good idea too, I can work Saturday mornings, and then head over later on. Convenient. I wish my commitments for the year will hurry and decide, then I can start planning.

Maybe I should just work at macs. Saves me the time, it's just down the road.

Eek though, eek! Sounds terrifying. I'm quite bad at this whole job-hunting thing though, I'm scared out of my wits as of now. I'll just put it off then, for the time being.

2012-02-10T21:38:00.002+08:00

I'm the hero of the story, don't need to be saved!

It just struck me how contradictory some people are. I don't think I usually doubt people. I just take in everybody's words as true, there is no point in lying to me. But then, sometimes contradictions do appear, which is strange. A lot of it has been appearing recently, maybe I'm more sensitive now? I read in Molly Marx that most people have a bullshit detector, they just don't use it. I laughed when I read it, but maybe it's true. So actually for the past few years, people have been feeding me whatever they want me to think? That's a scary thought.Don't worry though, from now on I'll get my judgments from multiple sources. I'll listen to others.

But no, the key thing is why they do appear. Is it because all these while they were just lying, and eventually the lies got too many to keep track? Or maybe they don't know themselves well enough.

There are nooks and crannies in school that I like to escape to. I hope no one else finds them, it's all mine! Quiet places with a great view.

I heard that things worked out well. Shall try not to be sceptical/cynical about it. Smile and agree! That's not even the main point anyway, comparatively insignificant.

Done with the report! Finally. I wasn't at 100% efficiency, and I'm not fully satisfied with it, but hey it's pretty hard when the report itself has an identity crisis. I'll have a better idea of what to do with it when the feedback comes in, as of now even the teachers aren't too sure how they want this to turn out. But oh Dylan did 34 pages, although I think he could have had more pictures. Still awesome. Double spacing though.

Yes yes, we need to talk. I want to talk, actually. That's how things progress, how they get better. The only way for it to be unbreakable.

It all starts with me. In a sense, it's in my personality to keep holding on to things, I latch on like a leech, or maybe they latch on like a leech and try to suck me dry. It's s getting bigger and bigger, and I have to torch it off me soon or else. But I won't for very childish reasons. La vie en rose, my life is lived in rose-coloured glasses. On a side note rose is a really lovely alternative to pink. Torch it and kill it! This struggle with myself has been going on for much too long. No more hiding or avoiding. More importantly, no more blaming, no more self-destruction, no more softening. As I've said, harden your heart, lock it up tight against this insanity. No more deriding too! It's not possible to be whole-heartedly and infinitely good at heart, but at the very least don't encourage it. Think happy thoughts, like picnics with people, lying on the glass with a brilliant blue sky.

Thinking up ideas again, that's a good sign. I should start writing to my mortal, heard that she is eccentric from qx. Also found out her surname. I stupidly thought that she didn't have a surname.

Same, same for both of us. She has stopped replying, just like how I do. I know because she can't be writing a long reply, there isn't much to say. We're both just really tired. Adele's My Same is pretty good. There's that attitude in it. Her lion hair is huge, I wonder how she does it. Maybe a sort of beehive? Watched her reaction to the screamo version of Rolling in the Deep, she is adorable. I could probably get used to screamo after a while. Tried listening to dubstep of Pumped Up Kicks, it was really as they say on 9gag. Not surprised if it was really a message from the aliens.

I'm so filled with biases that I kind of hate myself. Must eradicate them, or at least come to terms with them. It's really hard to be a truly good functioning person. So many character flaws, no no no. I feel like listening to Marvin Gaye all of a sudden. Or Barbra Streisand. Have to build up on my playlist, it's so boring to me of late.

Tired now, packing up and sleep! On another note, if I hadn't had that nap this afternoon, I might have finished the report earlier and made it to campfire. MIGHT. But unlikely, if I know myself well enough. Ok, time to sleep.

2012-02-10T10:41:00.004+08:00

Up and about again. I lay there until all the alarms were over and then fell asleep again. My mother tossed it onto my bed, but that made it easier for me to deactivate it everytime it rang.

Karmin is an awesome duo. Love Amy's expressions! They are pretty interesting. Please let their album cover be nice though, something wicked/illustrated, like Muse Origin of Symmetry, or Foster the People Torches. Something like that would look great, although I get the feeling that that's not exactly them. Not after listening to Brokenhearted. They are a happy duo, and it suits them. But please, let the cover be good. Looking forward to seeing how they do in the future!

Read the lyrics of Pumped Up Kicks. Woah, that's sinister. But then after watching the MV again it still has a happy vibe, and they look good. I have a feeling most of their songs have a sinister touch to it, but as Amy put it, it can't be, just look at it another way. Call It What You Want is pretty nice too, some parts are amusing. Like the lipstick part.

Secretly though, I wouldn't mind if Pumped Up Kicks was pushed past sinister. Something mind-blowing and sinister with a revelation at the end, stuff like that is pretty interesting when it's good.

I'm never going to finish at this rate, too caught up with youtube. So long since I videosurfed songs. Covers and random bands and amazing people with equally great voices.

Amy is Amy Winehouse-ish though. With her suicide roll. Not as huge as a beehive, but reminiscent definitely. Both have a prominent face as well. Just that, I don't think Amy Winehouse does expressions that much. I wonder how beehives are done though, it's so huge!

I'm starving, serves me right for eating only three bites of breakfast.

I miss Adele logic on 9gag. There are much less now. Maybe when her new album comes out it will spike again. On the other hand, Florence has her bangs back, I honestly prefer her with bangs. Her center split made her really other-worldly and ethereal, and just really distant. Bangs make her look younger too.

Bubblegum pop and the 60s. Plus glam hair and a hint of drama and the deep dark things. This is a pretty nice combination to have, I think. I'm not going this way though. My tastes go further back than just vintage. Hahaha I suspect they are closer to Victorian.

Hedgehogs are adorable! I wish I had one, but my mother would freak as well. Sea urchins are interesting too, but much spikier.

I'm never going to finish, youtube! So I'll probably not be going for campfire. Probably. Oh well, really mixed about it. Even if I do, I'll probably be late. Let things get into full swing and then jump in.

Whatever, whatever. No need to be nice to me.

Lunch is over. I've been composing this for pretty long now.

Just! I don't know. Karmin Party Rock Anthem has a really different feel to it. It's not just feel good any more, there's something else to it.

2012-02-10T02:19:00.003+08:00

It's past midnight, it's waaaay past my bedtime. I'm just beginning to feel the usual feelings of exhaustion. A slight giddiness, jumpy eyelids, semi-dry eyes, slightly unfocused thinking. I must have sent a torrent of adrenaline through my body when I exploded, and now I'm pretty awake. I might even be able to stay up the whole night, and work on this report. What a waste of electricity though. I remember one of the people running for SSRC exco said she stayed up for 48 hours to complete her report, and i thought that was pretty awesome. Such willpower! I would definitely catch an hour of sleep or something. But now I'm doing the same.

Houdini by Foster the People sounds pretty great. I can totally do a tutting sequence with the beats at the front, and then switch to popping/locking or just normal hiphop when the singing starts. It will be relaxed, with a feel-good vibe. I wouldn't mind getting Torches, listened to a couple of their songs so far, and it sounds pretty good.

The people I've met/Are the wonders of my world

2012-02-10T00:29:00.004+08:00

Exploded again, this is bad, it's too soon. I think implosions are much cooler than explosions. Physics lab, everyone was pretty scared and reluctant to hold the can. But it was really interesting, how the can suddenly crumples by itself. If I remember correctly, the sudden inversion of the heated can into the water resulted in the rapid decrease in temperature, and hence the air in the can rapidly cooled and decreased in volume. Also, due to the can being inverted, there were no other openings for air to enter and make up for the excess volume, and also the can was also unable to suck in any air, and hence a vacuum formed, and the can imploded. See, I probably could have survived with physics.

I wish I would implode instead. Or maybe I do implode, just that it happens after the explosion.

Can't think of anything to write for my report. It would be equally hard if I had picked Dr E though. There's not much introducing to do, but I shall try to meet my aim of a full page of relevant information, and not just long loopy sentences.

I probably could control myself. But I opted not to, I blew my top because I wanted to, deep down. I still want to throw things across the room. Eating chocolates to cool off now. I don't even like Ferrero Rocher, not that much anyway. I seem to have lost my interest in chocolates, I don't like them that much. I prefer vanilla, or cookies-and-cream. But I'm still munching them, I must have finished half the box already.

There's no salvation for me now
No space among the clouds
And I feel I'm heading down
But that's alright

Lover to lover to lover to lover to lover to lover to lover to lover to lover to lover to lover to lover!!
This must be my favourite sentence, even though there are other meaningful ones too.

I'm better though, it's getting off my chest. I must let my rational self stay dominant at all times, I'm too easily unrestrained, I switch to animalistic too readily. Calm down! All bark and no bite.

Don't understand me? Right you are you don't, what even made you think you did? Don't talk to me like that, I don't like it. Most of all, leave me alone. I have no time for you.

This is the Land of Do-As-You-Please.

I just really want this deep pool of inner calm to draw from when such situations arise. I have so many many character flaws that I want gone, especially this volatility. If I weren't so volatile I might be happier. I might be able to see that none of it was my fault to begin with. I must not blame myself, I must not blame circumstance, I must not blame, there is nothing to blame! I must accept it, "get used to it", like so many other have done with their many problems. Not my fault there, I played my part perfectly. No point doing things to yourself.

Think back.

The people I've met/Are the wonders of my world.

There are no roads

2012-02-09T21:25:00.003+08:00

Sometimes, when you see it, you know. These are the things I'll never forget, or at least, I really hope I never will. We have dwindled, but still going strong.

Have to concentrate. There are so many sparkly rings out there, but none that I like. They're so expensive too. Like, one for $10, two for $15. Gah so sad.

So many mixed feelings right now though. This is confusing, and a bad time. I can't put this in words, it's just this horrible wrenching going on inside my head. It was quite reassuring to go to the library though, even though I was exhausted. Moreexciting books, if only I had enough time as well.

Oh and we made plans to go Taiwan. Something to look forward to at the end of the year, I suppose. I have no other plans yet. Maybe back to NUHS but still undecided about it. I really really want to go to the zoo for one, and also I really really want to get a job. Zoo takes precedence definitely. I can't find the website to sign up to be a volunteer, and I have no time to go down and ask.

Campfire tomorrow! Should I go down? From what I've read most of the class is but it might just worsen things. Might, maybe. I will need to escape off earlier. Honestly though, I just want to run around the campfire in circles, in a long human chain. It's a nice feeling. But then again I want to stay at home too! So tired of school. They should have campfire at other places or something. The field! We did that in sec 1. Running around the field and singing songs that I never knew, because they were chinese songs.

Wringing and wrenching, what an awful feeling this is. I don't know what it is. Stupid I have to go down to school tomorrow anyway to submit photos. I really did submit them. Oh well. But the thing is, campfire! I can't decide. I have reasons to go both ways.

HAHAHA zebras! But true that I need to start working on my ZEBRAS report. Stripey stripey zebras, speaking of which while I was navigating around Botanic Gardens just now I kept thinking left was right, and so I ended up lost. I need to work on my direction sense. Most importantly I need to figure out left from right, both in english, chinese and malay. Although I won't need malay that much any more. Actually I think I can tell better in malay than in any other language. Kiri dan kenan! I had to back then. It was pretty embarassing.

Hello Lady Gaga!
*Points to swan* Is that a plastic bag or a swan?
Oops wait not any more sorry.
Hey A is in the class. Oh wait no sorry!
Ehlookgotbutterfly!!
Oh no my hair!

HAHAHA will never forget the last one. This is why we take so many photos. Oh no no, my hair! I can't look at it, let's take another one.

2012-02-08T23:58:00.002+08:00

I guess so, but I really don't know. I wish that there was some way I can put this all behind. Pack them up in aa nice box and bury it. I'm starting to think that it was quite foolish to have done it, but I will stick with it. No more running or hiding. That's what I truly want, and who cares if I can't keep up? I'll be gone in a year, they don't have to remember me any more after that.

So many things that I want to try, probably should be less ambitious and set some of them aside for next year. Focus on studying for now. This time round I don't want a second chance. I want to get it right on the first.

Hardly anyone understands though. Only a fingerful of people do. At least I'm steadily putting distance between me and all these troublesome things, now I just have to keep on looking ahead. Don't ever turn back again. Never. Harden your heart, that's the way to do it.

Taylor Swift looks like a barbie doll. Perfect looking skin and everything.

HAHAHA read this on 9gag: I can wipe 90% of your beauty off your face.

Tried to do the really incomprehensible part of Replay but no I still can't do it!! Not even after staring at Taemin and Rino do it. Ha and jy was still telling me I learned the tutting part quite quickly. Ares fac dance seems pretty cool actually. The tutting was much much faster than what I thought, so much to work on still. Tutting is really pretty cool.

Pizza picnic tomorrow, looking forward to it. Maybe I should bring insect repellent and fishing rods as well. Most of all, going out with people I haven't had a proper outing with in... oh wait actually in two weeks only.

OMG I FORGOT TO START ON MY CENTAD REPORT IT'S DUE ON FRIDAY.

2012-02-08T21:55:00.004+08:00

Lightning bolt ring! I want, but it's so pointless to get it. I still have my ribbon ring! Maybe, at the end of the year, if I happen to go back, maybe I'll get another ring. I remember the corkboard flower ring $20, which was really shocking. I wasn't expecting that.

No, need to concentrate on HBL!

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BEAST. They have such very intricate choreographies, and lightning movements. Makes me want to learn. Shock and Soom are both wicked. They also happen to both start with s. I think, if I am serious about it, then I should start now. I will need all the time that I have. Zhuo2 jun1!!! Awesome guy, he can be my idol. Self-taught as well! Really glad that he won it in the end, even though his performance wasn't outstanding. His first was still his best one.

Glad that I joined DALT again. So very glad.

Omg tutting. Here I go again. No, can't I need to focus on studying, not tutting.

2012-02-08T01:02:00.001+08:00

The later it is, the older the rerun, the quieter the city, the darker the night.

2012-02-07T23:07:00.001+08:00

Shows that we ain't gonna stand shit
Shows that we are united
Shows that we ain't gonna take it

So long since I heard a song with a person singing. Piano is amazing, in love with Hungarian Rhapsody now. Too bad there aren't some songs that I really want to hear in the cd. You'd expect to it to appear when you have 101 of them, but no apparently not.

Normal is a blessing.

Stop playing with my words! Haha it's stuck in my head, but at the same time it has evolved to take on meanings much more complex than what it was originally intended when she said it. I'm going around pushing people away again.

Eventually all this will pass. Just hang in there and think happy thoughts. Ask questions too, and think less.

易动勿静! Don't think (that much) just do!! This will get me much farther this year than anything else will.

2012-02-06T17:42:00.003+08:00

It's raining! There was a huge flash of lightning, and then the thunder came, and finally the raindrops started pounding down. What an entrance.

Talking, talking. Talking to people and watching people talk are both rather fascinating things, I've noticed. There was this guy who I didn't know the name of, talking to me and my about nanyang primary, rattling off his views about how nyps things are now, and the people we used to know, the people we grew up with. It was interesting how he could talk talk and talk and just voice whatever he thought freely. I usually take 10 seconds to think of the reply I want, and by then it's already long past the acceptable reply timeframe. But it's also nice that people talk to me though, and remind me that there are so many more people that I can relate to if I try, if I just stuck my head out of my little circle of friends. Not say a social butterfly, but at least open up more. Be less scared to death of people. Feel less pressurised.

Hell yeah though, GP tomorrow! Although I'll have missed bio two weeks in a row. Block test announcements have begun to appear on EMB, and it still seems pretty distant, but from experience I should start now. Today. Speaking of which, organic chemistry test tomorrow, I intend to pass it at the very least. For now, I'm good. I will do it tonight.

Things are going well. On the bus ride home I started thinking about all the people I haven't seen in ages, especially ma'ams. I wonder how they are doing now. And all the teachers that taught me in primary school, whether they're still there or not.

The talking guy made a good point though. When you look back you'll suddenly realise a lot of things that you didn't know then, and it's like a whole revelation.

Fries from macs are heaven.

I'm not sure what I want out of life. But that's ok for now, I have the year to figure it out. I kind of like this feeling actually, makes me feel more systematic than I know I am.

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Blog-hopping, miss everyone so very much. But I suppose I wouldn't have it any other way. I'm not satisfied, I'm never satisfied, but I'm going to deal with it. I wish I can be though, all this longing and daydreaming won't do me any good. Come back down to earth! I think it has a lot to do with personality, which is sadly hard to change. I have to adjust my mindset, I have to start work soon.

One day I'm going to spend the whole day reading war poems and feeling sad. And then doing sad things ater that, like listening to sad songs and staring sadly out of the window, thinking about sad things. Strangely though, when you're sad, everything is sadder, as though it's coloured in a shade of grey. La vie en grey; life in grey. Actually, I'm not sure what grey is in French, I'm just messing. I've forgotten all the spanish (I'm not even sure if it was spanish) that I've learnt in that one day last year. Oh well.

2012-02-05T18:35:00.001+08:00

I can't count in anyone, much less him. Especially him. I'm on my own for this, I'll just have to grit my teeth and forge on with this. What a disastrous choice I made. I have no one to guide me through this, which may be just as well. I'll have to figure this out on my own, within the next few months, along with so many other things. Remember my last year at nanyang? All that effort paid off a bit. If I try hard enough I should be able to make it through.

I made this choice after all.

Satie: Gymnopedie No. 1

2012-02-05T15:59:00.001+08:00

I don't usually like slow songs, and this song is excruciatingly slow, but it's so calming and peaceful. It's also sounds sad and old, it reminds me of grey rainy days in large empty desolate houses. Hollow houses, ruined houses. I'm being too imaginative now. In short, this song is really beautiful, I should listen to it more.

When you wake up I will be gone.

2012-02-05T10:03:00.001+08:00

Tired, I'll be needing more time today. To get all the things I want done. Like going down to JE library, and Dreams and Reality again. Hopefully. And starting on my report due next week, the test next week, homework, self-research on things that I want to know about. And also studying to get what I want in April. Life is starting to get tough now, but I'll pull through. I'm secretly glad that my only talent is that I forget everything, all the emotional stress, when I wake up.

Next week will be even more tiring. Gah shall have to work doubly hard today to prevent that from happening.

No more unhealthy food for me! Ate so much chicken yesterday ugh all that oil, I must get up and resist.

Fresh! Everyday no longer feels fresh, but at least it feels hopeful. Let's get down to work.

2012-02-03T21:29:00.002+08:00

OHMYGOD I JUST SAW FLORAL PRINT JACKETS ON ASOS OMG. My mind is overheating. OMG I can add it to my collection of floral things, like my flower belt, flower sweater, flower vase, dried flowers, flower wallet...

But no, apparently these things are just a fad and I must resist. Resist with all my might. This is illogical.

Six-day work week for this and the next week, gonna be so tired. I could hardly stay up/do homework the whole of last week. I must not sleep until I've finished everything.

Life feels stale. 9 tips to stay creative haha out of the 9 I agree with number 6 only. Like, with the whole of my heart. I really need to find time and do 6, I just might drown in everything.

Exhausted now, must really start work. Oh but Florence appeared on the cover of Q magazine! I'm going to find time to go down to the really big newstand at IMM to see if they sell it one of these days. Or Duyi/Popular, maybe Page ONe but unlikely. I would really llike to own some more books. Current batch due next Thursday! Maybe I'll try to go down to somewhere big to return them, like JPL! Ooh then I can stop by IMM too.

What's Voltaire? I read it and didn't know what it was. Have to find out!

2012-01-31T17:45:00.002+08:00

It is possible to be desensitised to horror. But it's a painful process. To feel nothing in the face of human abuse is a terrifying thing. The first time I did it was horrific. And now the second opportunity has presented itself, and it's even more terrifying than the first. Actually, two opportunities. Anyway, I don't want to know if I can take it. Imagine all the crying I did the first time, imagine what I might do if I took this step. Was this what it was like during war? And all the killing games they played then, all the inhumane experiments they did. Was this what they did to themselves? Voluntarily desensitising themselves to all these horrors, even coming up with more of it. I don't want to be like that. I don't want to live with all this darkness inside of me.

I shall not watch The Human Centipede First or Full or Final Sequence (when it comes out). I shall not watch SSSSSSS.

Although... I might watch Noriko's Dinner Table. Since it's an explanation of Suicide Club there should be less gore, and more sense. Gosh and Jiraishin. I regret telling _ to read it. She shouldn't, she'll be affected. All of a sudden Japan seems like a dark, dark place, and the US as well.

All these years! I've exposed myself to much of the bad side of human nature. All the things in my head would terrify my friends, even the closest ones. I just don't seem like I'm the type, people don't expect me to do this.

I wish someone would save me, I can't possibly escape it alone. Freshness, that's something I haven't felt in a long time. It feels as though I'm always dirty, like there's a smog inside my mind. I'm so tired all of a sudden.

The line where blue meets blue

2012-01-29T19:09:00.004+08:00

You know how, when some people take photos, they angle their head down and peer at the lens? It makes their eyes bigger, and some really look prettier, but for you? All I see are dark eyebags.

I meant every word of it, every syllable I uttered was true. It's interesting that

I meant every word of it = every syllable was true,

and that true has two meanings here. More importantly, from now on I can never take it back. All that I say is lost in the history of sound, which is recorded in memory, ie recorded on cells and tiny neurotransmitters. Somehow all my arguments and thoughts end up steeped in biology, no matter how hard I try. And I will always come across as remarkably simple-minded, saying things I don't mean, blundering even.

I will never learn what I want to learn, but when I do, it's too late! It's not enough! It's irrelevant! It's not what I'm supposed to learn!

http://chrisguillebeau.com/3x5/academic-confession/
There are things in there that contradict what I know, but I think it's interesting on overall. Swayed! I think the one Ms Tan told us to read about education swayed me too. Interesting though, they have roughly the same views but different facts.

Ho! Ho, down... Down down down.
The drums are the life of her music.

2012-01-29T18:37:00.002+08:00

This is depressing. I went to count the number of books that I've read from _'s list, and it was about... 3 out of 100. I read so little nowadays, no this must not last, I refuse to let it last, shall finish all the books featured in DWMD by this year! Which reminds me I took two years to finish the Faber's Firsts list even though there were only 10 books on it. And then the Booker Prize list, maybe. This is evolving into an obsession.

Reading! I think the one thing I will miss most after graduating will be maths. I'll miss sitting down and systemetically trying to solve a problem. I suck at it now, but it's temporary! I'm getting back on track again, slowly. It won't be the same in the future. No more answers from now on, that's what the future will be like. Gray areas, could-be-betters. So scared.

Dreams & Reality though was good. If my brother goes next week maybe I'll tag along again. It'll probably be less crowded.

These day when I see you
You make it look like I'm see through

I will never come close to some people. Never ever be able to emulate them. Oh well though, that's just too bad.

Some people surround themselves with the same type of people. It's strange though. For someone who appears so comfortable, she surrounds herself with the same type of people. Interesting.

So much potential, and still so young. She is going places, this girl. I hope she goes into politics. In the meantime, I shall just go off lamenting about how I can't talk to a 6-year old until she grows older. She... could probably be president if she wanted to.

And another one. Genius-level. I'm so lucky to know all these amazing people, albeit briefly. I probably won't reach their level ever, I hope they all turn out amazing. I hope they know they can.

It's quite scary that all these people I know now may turn out to be someone who can change the world. The next multi-billionaire, the next president, the next peace movement activist, the next reformer. People who can change, who can actually impact the world for the better. And me? The next zookeeper of the zoo.

Ah, but I am an idiot. You don't know me as well as you think. I am an idiot, and to be honest, I don't mind at all. I don't care about grades, less so for people. I do what I like, why bother explaining to people? Why should I try to explain why I like ball pools so much? Nothing is under me this way, everything is above me. I don't want to be scrutinised and analysed. I like being left alone on the whole, I just don't like being uncared for by people. I wish you could understand, there's no need to console me. There's really no need to tell me otherwise. I don't mind.

Unless someone meant it maliciously of course.

Aspectu illo glorior
Dum capit nox diem

You supermassive black hole

2012-01-29T18:24:00.002+08:00

She, she ain't real
She ain't 'gon be able to love you like I will
She is a stranger
You and I have history or don't you remember?
Sure, she's got it all
But baby is that really what you want?

At least I'm still alive. So wasted! Heck with it man.

I want to get out and do something. Something big! Was thinking of organising a murder mystery hunt for yy and maybe jl as well in June. We still haven't gotten their presents! So outdated. We'll be forever behind time. But no, it'll be quite fun, if I can do it correctly. How do I keep them on track? That's hard, that's very hard.

So bored of maths! I can't figure out chem as well, haven't done anything else today.

I should probably really go out. It's so boring being in all day.

If I stay I will be a lie

2012-01-28T22:31:00.001+08:00

Titanic! ^^ and after that to NMS for the Dreams and Reality exhibition. Free of charge for this weekend. But it was quite rushed on the whole, we managed to reach only at 5 and it closed at 6. But nevertheless! Both were really interesting. I preferred Dreams and Reality, to be honest. It was quite straightforward, and there was less to see, but I thought it was more interesting.

But then I haven't done any homework. Even though I got home at 7. All the way until now! I lack discipline.

Exhausted now, on my feet the whole day so far.

----------

I keep thinking up scenarios that are unlikely to happen. Even if everything was in place for it to happen, my personality would lower the chances of it significantly.

I seem to know a lot about snake bites. Sporcle so fun!

Old music is sometimes nice. I must learn to appreciate it.

I got a fire, desire, jumping on the floor

2012-01-26T21:30:00.002+08:00

Stupid maths. No, stupid me. Now bobody is replying my cries for help. I'm all on my own here.

On a side note, I probably shouldn't chuck my half-completed tutorials all over the place. It's so hard to find afterwards.

Starbucks this afternoon is keeping me wide awake. Ok must make use of this alertness. Chemically-induced alertness. Shouldn't drink so much coffee, it's a last resort for when I really need it. Oh but haha jy. The ever-excited. I just found out what euphemism means, only now do I get her joke. If it can even be considered as one.

Probably not, by my standards.

I highly suspect that I'm incoherent in english.

Shall have to start writing my farewell letters to everyone. Plotting/planning at any rate. So much to say to all these people that I have met. So much that I want to tell them, that I want them to know. So much that I'll never say to them in person, so much that I'll never be able to articulate appropriately. All these people! It's quite bad that I'm feeling this at the start if the year though. Still such a long way more until we part (perhaps forever?) and many more things will happen.

Four-paged letters maybe, definitely by snail mail! I shouldn't have stopped sending snail mail with sn & ye. I loved receiving letters, it's so exciting. I wish I had a pen-pal or something.

----------

Listening to too many happy songs recently. Maybe it isn't such a good idea to make a happy song playlist. It makes me overly optimistic and happy. No, no. Shall go and compile a sad/emo playlist and name it depression. Depression and elation. Such nice names I choose. Although desire and elation sounds nicer though.

----------

Oh my this is so depressing. I was peaceful for so long though why the fuss and concern now? Why now?

Blossom in the tree, you know how I feel

2012-01-25T17:04:00.002+08:00

The Origin of Symmetry cover is really interesting.

Someone hacked my MSN. I don't want to face anyone from my contacts any more. I hope Ms Tan comes tomorrow, I really like GP a lot. And bio! Yay, happy days in school.

Vanessa and Jia Min are coming on Friday~ So jealous of them though, they both don't have school. One finish A-levels, one finish Sec 4. I have CCA on Friday, so I'll be home really late. Going Titanic exhibition on Saturday ^^ sounds interesting, I heard it's really good. Unlike the Narnia one. I really really want to go for an art exhibition though, art installations. Art projects sounds really cool, too bad I'm not in art.

Sheesh I made such a fool of myself during maths. I shouldn't have told him that! Now he'll think I'm weird forever. Childish questions as well. What will Mrs Ho think of me if they ever meet? All that effort she invested on me in lower secondary, and now this?! Another person on the world that I can't face now.

I miss all my nieces and nephews. Haha it used to be like that for us too, the seven of us. All that great lengths we would go just to set up a wedding for Tessa and zy. Running around like crazy. How did any of our parents manage to do any catching up when we were young? Being surrounded by kids is so terrifying, and having to keep them in check is even more so.

Oh haha but Cheryl! She wanted me to turn off the light, and then we would be outside, and everyone else in the room would run out, and then when they were all out we would go in and close the door. Her and her urgent whispering. But all the people inside did was scream, and nobody ran out or anything, so it was over-idealistic. So cute though!

Back to normal life? Not quite. This hectic year has just begun.

----------

Oh oh oh! I feel like going for the NUS Sociology Conference but my grades won't make the cut. It sounds fun though. I want an arts education. It seems much more interesting than a normal education. The art of non-conformity, this guy is so awesome. He talked about education, and I guess I do agree with him in general. In general. Still have my reservations though!

----------

Most importantly.

31. Stop being funny.

Dua

2012-01-24T14:58:00.001+08:00

This must be my favourite part of the New Year. Relatively slow day, having lunch here at my grandmother's house, and just resting until late afternoon. My cousins are out, so the whole place is ours.

So sleeeeeeeepy!!

I feel so giddy and disoriented now. My heels are making me walk strange, my dress is so elastic. My necklace has a personal vendetta against me, and so does my ring. They are both trying very hard to act as a tourniquet. I forgot to go through my morning rituals properly 'cos we were in quite a rush.

Little monsters later! I have to protect my hair, they'll be sure to target it later.

Being myself in the midst of all this is reassuring.

2012-01-24T00:25:00.001+08:00

So tired!!! No way I can do homework today. Just tired. Even earlier tomorrow!

2012-01-22T13:37:00.002+08:00

Ecerything is resolved! My undetectable iTouch, my clothes for the next two days, my whole understanding/perception of the changes in my life. It is no longer a cause-and-effect thing, it's how things were moving the minute it started.

So for now, I'm just going to concentrate on looking good the next two days, and trying not to be bothered by the inescapable hot weather. As for the rest, let it be.

Oh but no, homework. No no, can't let that be. I have to live up to my own expectations.

Want

2012-01-22T10:42:00.005+08:00

http://9gag.com/gag/1935040
http://9gag.com/gag/1943405

Among other things.

Let things crumble.

It won't work! Grr.

----------
Wow. How did I even end up finding this? How do I start searching for them? It's so easy but I'm so lazy.

http://www.smashingmagazine.com/2008/08/03/35-beautiful-music-album-covers/
http://www.smashingmagazine.com/2008/04/14/excellent-book-covers-and-paperbacks/

----------

I want to give you back the open sky
Give you back the open sea
Open up the ages, darling
For you to see

----------

Tea party! Funny how it all comes back to me. It was where Alice first met the Mad Hatter, gone crazy from mercury poisoning. It is the beginning of the end. To me, it holds the same frivolity as a masquerade ball, the same mystery. It is featured in Rabbit Heart. It is extinct. It is dead. It is gone, the other side of the world.

What the hell, I'm gonna let it happen to me.

Being awesome? Heck with it, I just want to be me.

If I'm going to die... but no, I will die. I will die, so there's no excuse for me to not be doing what I have to, want to. Wrong to.

2012-01-20T21:46:00.002+08:00

Went for a walk in the park and feel much better now. There's nothing like being surrounded by the damp, the vegetative, and the colourful.

http://9gag.com/gag/1886400
Oh my, 9gag. Where would I be without you? Probably in the depths of my despair. Funny things.

Lyrics

2012-01-20T17:57:00.003+08:00

No use bottling things up inside. Write it out and toss it away.

Turn, turn and turn again.

Breathe, breathe. I can't breathe!! It feels like I'm sinking.

Dragged further away from the shore, and deeper into the sea.

Why? Now of all times. Stupid, should have made myself clearer. Now I've screwed things up beyond repair. Disrepair.

Now rumour has it I'm the one you're leaving her for.

Oh, oh! Amusing things, stalkers must be such an irritating breed of people, even though I do a lot of it myself. Never physically though, never physically. From a safe distance. That's more than enough to find out all I need actually. Lazy at heart.

Struck from a great height by someone who should know better than that.

Things are bouncing off me, I feel like I'm bulletproof. Usually such words would hit me and low and deep, but now they're just resonating within me, there are no injuries. Yet. I intend to sit down and think through the whole thing, analyse it from head to tail, come up with several conclusions. Acquainting is not enough, I must assimilate it and devour it. I must become tireless and endless.

Tell us a story, I know you're not boring.

I intend to write. I'm going to do this soundlessly, since my throat still hasn't recovered. Especially with the screaming today. I will do it soundlessly, and write out everything that I want to say to everyone who I cannot face. It hurt a lot actually, seeing them the way they are and knowing that it's too late to be a part of it.

This could be the end of everything.

Ha. There are actually people who actually know me worst than I do. I wish there's someone else out there who can read me like a book. The only one so far... is going to die. And when it happes I won't be able to know or understand myself. It's Suicide Club all over again but I really need it.

What are you waiting for? Take a bite of my heart tonight.

Some octopuses eat their arms off when they are stressed.

Hmmmm.

Don't be sad because of people, they will all die.

"Every generation imagines itself to be more intelligent than the one that went before it, and wiser than the one that comes after it."
Been thinking about wisdom since yesterday's GP lesson. Conclusion? I can't make out a single thing from it. It's just this formless idea there in my head. Need to think, maybe there's something known as selective think-deficiency out there.

So little to say but so much time, despite my empty mouth, the words are in my mind.

Aw love her so much! I hope she makes a happier album this year, a hopeful one, like her first one. Her second one was elegantly depressing. Apparently Ellie Goulding is also producing another album this year, so there'll be competition. I like them both, not equally but I do like them. Unique voices.

Dinner! Got lectured for being too thin today, or else I will be hated for being so thin. And I have to book an appointment at the Nutrition Centre soon. What is their problem though, I truly am not hungry.

The last thing. I am going to watch the below video again, because the guy was truly really inspiring. And maybe a couple of them from TED.

Every morning, I wake up, look in the mirror, and ask myself if what I was doing today was truly what I wanted to do.

----------

No more dreaming like a girl, so in love with the wrong world.

Memories! Happy and sad, fickle. Blinding summons up memories from last year, but I don't remember the reason why I could relate to it. Whatever it was, I need to remember it. I need to remember it, and wake up.

From everything. For everything.

I want it to hit me. A revelation, I want it to make me agonise over everything. I want it to make sense of everything, explain myself and the rest of the world, I want to, for the first time, see. To open my eyes and let it echo through me, start an avalanche. I want it to scream at me, terrorise me for having forgotten it, I want it to fly into a rage, make my head explode with it.

And all my bones began to shake, my eyes flew open.

Edema, emphysema, aneurysm. Relax. Calm down. Breathe.

Cheers, to all that could have been

2012-01-19T22:19:00.001+08:00

A skill a day keeps retardation at bay.

Taptaptap.

Sleep! But no stuff left to do. Like sorting out all these cumbersome things that ceaselessly worry me. Tomorrow is the day that I shall once again prove my point. So many opportunities, why don't I take it? Simple. Because of people.

People are so tiring.

Library, I can't hold out with nothing to read over the long weekend. So I borrowed four books. Quite excited about The Old Man and the Sea by Ernest Hemingway. Shall return Dancing tomorrow instead, I want to take down the titles listed inside.

Meanwhile, homework and more plotting. I felt really guilty about not finishing my bio tutorial, so I stayed back for an hour and finished it (among other things). Now I'm happily assuming that I can finish all of it. Ascertaining my infallibility? Idk, random phrase that just popped into my head.

Such a fast-paced world I live in. Get out there and do what you want! Something keeps holding me back.

Read some of the gp stuff, and it really made me think. About different people, and in terms of opportunity. There's this article apparently about the disadvantages of an elite education. Everybody keeps telling me that it's really good, that I should read it, but I still haven't not properly yet. So I started a bit just now and I've been thinking about it since. It's interesting how half a page can intrigue me.

The first time I went to Bugis was with my squamates. I still remember it clearly. Every other time there since has brought back memories of the very first time. It's not a yearning to return, or a burning desire to relate those two points in time, it was more like a sort of aching for all that could have been, the other alternative routes our lives could have taken had things been a little different. Like if I was more forthcoming, and pushed myself outwards earlier, instead of clinging on to them like a barnacle. I recognised this much too late, whereas it was plain to some what I had to do. I guess I do admire people like _, only she has, so far, the guts and the intuitiveness to actually spot this and tell me in my face. No one else so far.

Thank you.

I've been plagued with 'what if' recently. What if I hadn't gone to nanyang? What if I hadn't gone to hc? What if I didn't take econs? What if I took triple science? What if I got into smtp? What if I entered another cca? What if I hadn't shot those two hoops in primary school? What if i never had a pet? What if I was an only child? What if I'm still learning piano? What if I studied last year?

So many things that I have to think about, but thinking is the only thing that I've never been able to do satisfactorily. Some stray thought will always sneak in and invade my thoughts. It's unlike reading, where you're just interpreting visual input and then painting pictures of this input you're receiving. It's different. It's private and holds so much more meaning. And at the same time it's terrifying, what if I think myself off the deep end?

The holidays are approaching, the party is just starting!

2012-01-17T18:41:00.007+08:00

From the very first moment their encounter was based on an unjust and revolting inequality.

----------

Love love love.

I screwed my GP essay. Oh well. First ever essay that I write this year, for a new teacher. I screwed it up. There were so many other things that I should have included inside. Well now, she'll go about the rest of the year thinking that I'm some kind of weird idiot, wondering how I even know how to spell.

Oh well. Oh well, well, well.

Three used to be some sort of magic number.

But why I don't get how I even managed to screw it up though. I spent the whole weekends thinking about it (whenever I happen to remember it) and then I also spent last night thinking about it, and all my points, but in the end!! I had to come up with points and examples on the spot and there were so many other points that I missed out and all the words I learnt weren't even used (except for 'contrarian') and the whole thing is just a fraud, a mountebank.

And all the rest is Vaudeville.

----------

I have resolved to get a few books. I think graphic novels are really expensive, but I still really really want V for Vendetta. I've been drawing him all over my notes, and I think I'm getting better at it. It looks much less happy now, much more sinister.

Oh no Hay Dairies is closed! I can only book tomorrow then. MUST. The happiness of so many people hinges on this.

Everyday I come home, sit down, and then while all my time away. Tumblr, 9gag, random places. I still haven't finished reading my World Domination guide, but soon, soon.

Surely, surely, if I want something bad enough, I will get it. It's about passion, desire to do better, thirst to excel. I know what passion is, but only from a purely theoretical point. There is nothing that I can say, for sure, without regret, that I devote myself entirely to. Nothing at all. I have to find it, this mysterious thing. Love is not enough, I need passion and--

Oooh I think I smell chicken wings for dinner!! Erratic eating recently. Taking naps ruin my appetite completely (especially when I sleep until dinner time), and they affect me for the rest of the day, so I don't get anything done. Must shake this habit. Shake it out, shake it out! Shall not take naps, even though I'm usually exhausted by the end of the day. I guess the first step to attaining this goal would be to not lie on my bed the first thing I get home. After that, just go with it.

Lol. Sudden outburst of love. Is that a good sign or..? I guess I'm reserved in comparison to some people. Maybe this is peace before the storm.

I should appreciate people while they're around. No, I should appreciate them while I'm still around, while I haven't moved on. I keep having this feeling that one of these days I will blow up (figuratively) and disappear off into the unknown alone. Or maybe I was thinking of dying, but no I think that's unlikely. It's so sad though, to think that in five years' time, all these will be memories, and all you can do is look back with them, and everybody would've moved on and maybe even forgotten you. For some you can tell who will be with you all your life, and for others you can tell that they'll disappear the minute your lives diverge, and there is nothing to be salvaged, there is no rift to be mitigated. Life happened.

No wonder people say I'm sentimental. But it's great having someone who's so direct. Others will just hide their true opinions. It hurts, but whatever. I can handle this.

Emotions running high in class. Intense dislike and everything. Oh well. Girls will be girls. I shall just stay out of the fray, and hope everything washes away eventually.

And now, to fuel my sadistic pleasure of being a black horse.

2012-01-15T23:40:00.003+08:00

So bushed, such an interesting day, homework left to do, 20 minutes to midnight! Listening, no blasting, classical music, and I really do understand why people love this. I think I might too, if I give it a chance.

I just realised how much I have changed. Ignorance really puts the concept of nostalgia across in a very interesting way. I have to get used to thinking to myself, really focus and think, rather than letting my thoughts wander all over the place like a grazing goat. It doesn't get me anywhere.

I like Beethoven, and Debussy. Not that I've heard a lot of their pieces, but from the little taht I have, they appeal to me more. I spend so much more time listening to Florence or Adele though. It's about time I got bored.

Can't wait for next week! I went to beautiful places today, and I hope it works out well. The landscape wasn't lonely or bleak, it was welcoming in its own way; it wasn't afraid of loneliness. It was calm, serene, and at ease with itself. I felt kind of sad when I had to leave, what an interesting pocket of Singapore. A pocket from so long ago, at that. Happy days have passed, happy days have yet to come, happy days are here again!

Oh but, it's a really nice song. Don't Rain on my Parade as well. Overflowing with happiness. Or more like a refusal to be upset about things.

GP timed assignment! I haven't touched it at all. Oh well, maybe tomorrow.

Rolling in the deep

2012-01-14T16:11:00.001+08:00

The laceration has healed up into a gash. There will be scars, ugly ones, the ones that never fade. A long way more until it heals. In fact, I'm not sure if it ever will.

You deserve every bit of it.
I can't even begin to even imagine, to grasp at the MAGNITUDE of this, this foolishness, this malaise, this careless whim! What on earth?! Just bleed me dry already, drink me in to satiate your thirst. I don't want to know any more, I refuse to know.

The scars of your love
Remind me of us
They keep me thinking that
We almost had it all

The scars of your love
They leave me breathless
I can't help feeling

We could have had it all!!

2012-01-14T12:29:00.002+08:00

WOAH ANGLER FISH. I never knew that about them. Oatmeal is interesting. They are also very nice to eat. I used to be crazy about oatmeal in primary school. Add milk and OMG HEAVENLY. Wonder if I'll still like it now. Oatmeal! So much more aesthetic than 9gag.

Ignorance by Milan Kundera

2012-01-13T21:04:00.004+08:00

Repeated, the words took on such power that, deep inside her, Irena saw them written out with capital initials: Great Return. She dropped her resistance: she was captivated by images suddenly welling up from books read long ago, from films, from her own memory, and maybe from her ancestral memory: the lost son home again with his aged mother; the man returning to his beloved from whom cruel destiny had torn him away; the family homestead we all carry about within us; the rediscovered trail still marked by the forgotten footprints of childhood; odysseus sighting his island after years of wandering; the return, the return, the great magic of return.

This, and I'm only on page 12. Ignorance has been beautiful thus far, the language is superb in bringing the point across, and it is interesting in its presentation as well. Clear and concise, every word specially handpicked to put forth an idea. It draws the reader in, in short. Even shorter, spellbinding.

I want to read The Unbearable Lightness of Being! After having read this.

Interesting day today. Isolated myself again from the rest of the class, secretly happy that there are still people who care about me though. People who'll follow me as I sneak away, people who'll root me out when I disappear into thin air, people who'll wait for me when I attempt to face the world again. Apparently people have an average of 17 friends in school, and only 2 when they are middle-aged. I wonder which of these people I meet now will be the last man standing.

Trying to get my SL group to go to frog farm for SL. How can people not like frogs? I think they're pretty fascinating, and so different. And such powerful and long legs they have. If I remember correctly there are frogs in Spirited Away. I want to watch Spirited Away again, it was such a touching and sweet movie.

I have to start differentiating my vocabulary from now on. Use bigger, fancier words, and most importantly, use appropriate words. My goal! I must get there, or at least give it my all. I know I can't compare to people who have been practicing this since a long time ago, but now's not too late. I'll get there. Sooner or later.

No light, no light!

2012-01-12T23:17:00.001+08:00

No light, no light
In your bright blue eyes
I never knew daylight could be so violent
A revelation in the light of day
You can't choose what stays and what fades away
And I'd do anything to make you stay

No light, no light
No light
Tell me what you want to say

You want a revelation
You want to get it right
But it's a conversation
I just can't have tonight

You want a revelation
Some kind of resolution

Tell me what you want me to say

Bright lights, starry nights

2012-01-12T22:20:00.001+08:00

I reached home at 3, and properly started at 9, and will probably end at 2 later. So that means that I need 5 hours to work, but instead of doing it when I'm more awake, I choose to do it in the dead of the night, when there's school tomorrow. So I wasted 6 hours.

Talking to kw just made me realise that I'm in a constant anti-social mode. Constantly. She was telling me about how she usually go up to people and ask what they're doing. I don't even notice it when people are doing things. I just keep to my own bubble. Maybe that's why I'm so sentimental.

The new bio teacher seems quite nice. First impression: scary. But after the lesson not at all. Screwed I haven't touched bio since I got home. Attempted to do econs, should we switch the way we maintain bop, and I was like I don't even know how we're maintaining it!! Skipped it oh well. Weird teachers, but I have a feeling that it would be better if I drew mind maps for econs.

Craving for chocolate milk! But grr my throat started acting up after dinner. Shouldn't have eaten fried chicken with fried rice. It feels so horrid.

Haha my terrapin is so adorable. I was annoying her again by tapping her shell. It's quite interesting to observe her actually. Just lie down, keep still and let her explore. See what she'll do. So, so cute.

Slacker max gah wasted another hour and a half. Must start on my bio holiday assignment and then study for lecture test tomorrow. Tomorrow would be a good time to visit starbucks.

2012-01-12T00:08:00.002+08:00

Keep clear and be smart.

My throat, my throat! So dry, it feels like there's a layer of powder on it. It hurts when I swallow. But I guess it's to be expected. It's been exactly a week since I fell sick. And all that screaming to be heard just now, and the fried rice plus hot weather. And milk tea. That was a big no, but I did it anyway.

Gosh so awkward! Hahahaha oh my gosh why does it happen between us, it's not like I'm intentionally stalking her or anything she just keeps appearing in front of me! I became smarter this time round though, I escaped to coro. I just recently realised what it means when people say you are acting as a electric light bulb. HAHAHA. Oh but with my throat like this I probably can't speak tomorrow. Damn it. Can't tell anyone. I think it's the third time this has happened, hopefully there's no more. GOSH AWKWARD!!

Today was quite fun. Being a tour guide was rather interesting, although I only brought 4 groups of people around. Quite pathetic, now that I think of it, and one of them were just asking for directions to the LT. And another one was just 42, so I brought them about the school and to visit squids. DALT is quite. Sad. There will probably be only two people joining it next year.

I wish I can cut out the guilt. Like, ignore it, tune it out. Detach it from my heart and isolate it in a lonely corner. Then I can go to sleep in peace, even though I haven't touched maths much. And I still haven't done bio. So strange though, I hate this feeling and I'm terrified of being reprimanded (more of the embarassment part but whatever) but I still don't do homework. If she found out I have a test tomorrow she would flip.

Started reading the world domination guide this morning. Like, until 3 am. It made me think.

Moped around the house since I got back heehee my mother got quite irritated. Apparently people who have their left thumb on top when they clasp their hands are sentimental people. WOAH never knew. She was telling me and I just started to look sad, or something like that, and she was like NO NOT AGAIN WHAT'S WRONG THIS TIME. In chinese. Speaking of which. I'll never understand why I kept failing chinese in secondary school, I speak chinese at home. With a mix of english. My mother thinks in chinese. It doesn't make sense that I sucked so bad.

Need to spend more time with squids. I've been ignoring them for er. The whole of last year? Not going to squad circles and all. Kw is interesting to talk to. Partly because we haven't talked in a long time. iMessages is way out of my league, and so is Viber. I just don't get it.

C'mon. C'mon!

Finally it's starting. Should I be happy? What a big change I'm trying to make, in the midst of everything else that's happening. Snip, snip. That's the way to go. Steve Jobs is pretty inspiring. That is, until jy told me he has really really bad personal hygiene. Not sure if it's true, and I don't want to know.

Am I scared of dying? I hope not. Shall go and talk rubbish to cleverbot again. Goodbye for today maths!

2012-01-11T01:58:00.002+08:00

I shall smoke my way through.

There's so much that I want to say, but I can't verbalise it, put it into words. Some people have this natural style/flair for words, and I admit I'm jealous of them for that. Avoiding everything that I should be doing. I don't feel guilty any more, just a twinge of regret afterwards. Why is everything just studying? Life is quite boring right now.

Hahaha cleverbot firmly believes it's not a computer program, but a human. Quite funny actually, how it jumps topics sometimes. And gosh talking philosophy to it is quite interesting, it asks the weirdest ever questions, and I try to come up with the weirdest answer I can think of. But yeah talking to an artificial intelligence made me feel better.

Eek mathematics lecture test!! Probably won't pass. I haven't touched maths since promos last year, gna fail.

I just realised I have a lot of secrets. Or, not exactly secrets, but things that I would keep to myself. The extent of information I would reveal is dependant on the person I'm with. And if I want to mess up their mind I tell them more. Oh no I've been doing it the whole holidays. Interrogating and just absorbing information about others. Limited source, and idk why I even do that.

I feel like there's this BIG GREY THING sitting on my flow of thoughts. And it has to be grey. It's just sitting there and meanwhile only bits and pieces flow through so my mind is really disjointed right now. I want it to go away, and then I can think properly again. Things have been appearing boring because it's sitting there and stemming the flow. The whole world seems magnified and small at the same time. I can't process anything. Writer's block, but I'm not writing.

Show Luo on tv. Heechul is so cute. He doesn't know any english except "YO BABY" so he says that to everyone. I hope he makes it out of army alive. Lazy bum. I haven't seen any kpop (ok a bit of 2NE1) or the whole of my holidays! A good sign, yes. No more 2NE1 TV. It's quite tiresome actually.

Must. Learn. More. Words. MLMW. WOAH = We Own A Horse. WOE = What on earth?! So many acronymns. All the projects/plans uses acronymns. LoVE = Low Vision Enabling Project. It gets so boring too! People should just look through their abstract, pick a rather nice word, and use it. Like Galileo, or Eagles. Such a nice ring to it.

Shall go to bed. I just...

Atom to atom, oh whats the matter with me love?

2012-01-10T19:46:00.001+08:00

Sore eyes, dry spots. They feel so dry! I want to put eyedrops but... I think I'll just start feeling upset again that I'm no longer at NUH. I got very attached to the seniors, all the cool people there, all the fun I had. It feels like I just got fired from there, I miss them so much.

11 months. 11 months later I will go back. It won't be the same, no more airin no more weiliang no more so many people maybe no more qol survey or hvf analysis, but I will go back. I miss those times so much it hurts. School feels so boring in comparison now. All these learning and people and noise and bustle. Speaking of which.

The new GP teacher seems interesting. She feels very similar to Mrs Ong, but yet different. In some way. I can't put my finger on it properly. More reserved, more judging? I really can't place it properly. She reminds me of a fish though. I don't remember the name of it, I saw the picture online for a short while only. It was a pretty special fish, and it was orange and blue. Shall maybe google it later, hopefully I'll find it.

Things seem to have deteriorated. Idk, opinions are flying out, it's unstoppable! I don't have time to stop and think if they are true/acceptable/plausible. Look back at all my experiences and form my own opinions. I don't have time for even homework, much less to sort this whole mess out, and in the meantime things deteriorate. I wish I could just wash my hands off all of these, but deep deep down, I know I don't want to. And gosh my vocabulary is like, puny. Reading newsweek makes me feel like I don't know english.

So many things to consider and think. But I guess in a way it's good, I get to train up my mind.

But honestly, manipulated? -.- It'll be terrifying if it's true though. Absolutely horrific. Gosh what a monster.

My brother managed to lose his macbook when getting off the mrt train. He got on only one stop before. Like, what?! And now my parents will probably have to get him a new one. And because of the increased expenditure, what with all the renovation works and all, I'll start feeling guilty and eating less. And spending less, and bathing shorter and, well, yeah. Sheesh honestly.

My chinese sucks haha i was trying to read my zodiac predictions for the rest of the year and it took me like half an hour. It wasn't even exceptionally long or anything. Need to brush up on it. I don't want to be a monoglot.

Now is not the time to be nit picky!

Perspectives are interesting. Too interesting. I must try to think from everybody's perspective from now on! Except that I don't have the instinctive understanding of people. Poirot!! I wish I could be like him.

Aww how sweet. People are human after all.

I shall start work after dinner! No I refuse to fall into that state of complacency/inertia (I nearly said disrepair) like last year again. This year shall be different, and I will make it work.

Dinner! Yesterday's was nice, hopefully today too.

2012-01-05T22:53:00.000+08:00

Woah omg!! You mean I can really dominate the world? Wow!!

2012-01-05T22:25:00.002+08:00

Inertia and inactivity settling down on me again! Gah can't stand this feeling it's under my skin. All these negative influences around me is making me sick of myself, sick of everything. I just want to run away from everything, run away and forget everything. Isolate, hide myself away and deny myself of contact with everyone. I need something fresh, and I don't have a clue. The toilet stinks of sweat. Can't concentrate at all, GAHHH!!! Annoying doesn't even begin to describe it. Hopefully this will all go away when school starts, wash away, and I'll avoid it from now on. But idk, it is under my skin after all.

I ran out of foolscap. There now. No need, NO WAY, of finishing my homework now. What a lousy excuse though.

Vaness Wu is so skinny. And he looks better when he's not smiling. I wonder why he's so famous.

2012-01-05T11:41:00.002+08:00

I've abandoned facebook and twitter. A good thing, I guess. I don't obsessively check it any more, and I can't be bothered what people say there, other than maybe fatm news and class stuff. Twitter is quite annoying actually, everybody has conversations on it. And there are people telling others not to have conversations on it even though they are doing it too. It's so conflicting and weird. Twitter makes no sense unless you're like a standup comedian or something. Then it'll be a good place to kinda train.

Feeling much better now, even though that means i didn't do anything last night. Oh well. OT tomorrow.

It was weird going back to tower block yesterday. It felt like I've retired, and then I'm going back to visit my colleagues, like I was welcomed, but not really wanted there. Redundant and unnecessary, although everyone is glad to see me, or appears to be.

Heehee going to cut my hair soon. I was telling my mother that if I cut bangs I'd save a lot of money, since I can do it myself, but she is strongly against bangs. I feel happy when I cut my hair, idk why. Especially when it turns out to be nice. Shall leave it long this time round.

Things are going so slowly.

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Oops I did it again.

Adele for the past two hours. In overall I like 19 more than 21. But I like more individual songs from 21 though.

2012-01-04T11:42:00.003+08:00

I don't feel well, but the show must go on. It has to. They need me to be there, I'm in charge. It would greatly inconvenience the planning and everything. Oh well, as of now 12 people have signed up for the symposium. I had hoped for more, hopefully the person I just replied will sign up, and then 13! Unlucky number, but all in my head, I'm sure. Things have worked out fairly well, considering that the planning only started two weeks ago. It was quite rushed in the first week, but things have slackened up after we sent the email. Saturday! Gosh my head is throbbing. And yes, I have to collect my medicine! C'mon I can do it.

I wonder if Panadol works. It's like, I build up immunity to medicines quite quickly, so I have to use them sparingly, or else when I really need it, it won't work. I'm worried about painkillers especially, what if Panadol stops working? What if the one Dr Q gave me stops working? What if I end up addicted to heroin in the future? Oh gosh how horrid. It would be like Edíth Piaf, hopelessly addicted, even though it screws up your life.

I want to learn more about history, and build up more examples! Kk I shall secretly aim to get my essay into the GP bulletin. So I have to write outstanding essays by February, 'cos I'm not too sure when blocks is. Or maybe by prelims, but I think that's too late. Russia! I think it's a really fascinating country. And the largest. Like, wow so interesting.

Throbthrobthrob. I've never realised, but throb is a strange word.

10 more minutes to decide if I'm well enough to proceed! If yes, then all is well, bio until I leave. If not, I have to start wrapping my parts up in tinfoil and gift paper and then pass them on to someone else. Like qx or kliven. To be honest, I've never seen a name like kliven before. Another one of those odd names that parents happen to think up, I guess. It sounds a bit like clive mixed with dylan. And actually dylan sounds more like a female name to me, or maybe I'm just biased 'cos I first heard it on a girl. It's like how people say me and my brother should swap names. I don't think his name is very girly though, or mine boyish. Ziqing is nice I think, and zilang! Haha too much tv again :D

5 more minutes to decide. The throbbing is increasing, but maybe 'cos I'm turning the chair. It would be nice to go back and see everyone. It'll be so crowded! 4 RP + 5 HC + 2 of us. But it doesn't seem nice to escape to the other cubicles though, like being loner-ish and anti-social.

Research retreat on Friday! Just recieved the invite. I have to do a powerpoint presentatio, oh no! I'm just really bad at presenting. I should just be a scriptwriter. Can't present for nuts. Even if it's in front of people who I'm close to. Like my classmates. Speaking of which, I have to be nicer to them next year. It's like I've been giving out like conflicting images of myself. Like, they'll probably hear things like how I'm really lame, but then when they talk to me, I'll be really stone-ish. Or start spouting rubbish. It's just really bad, I don't know what to make of it myself.

I wish tumblr would stop hanging on me. It keeps freezing up the whole screen and everything, and I have to close the browser. Aw y u like dat?!

2012-01-03T20:44:00.002+08:00

I now have both Adele 19 and 21!! Excited, forgot to mention this yesterday. Me and my brother were walking past some CD booth yesterday and it was JUST THERE looking up at us. 2 for $30! I probably could have gotten it for cheaper, but oh well. They stopped selling Ceremonials at Popular, even though HMV was still advertising it by giving it a whole rack, or the whole top half of a rack and the space on top of it to introduce the cd. That is why HMV is so much better than Popular. I don't know, Popular doesn't seem like a bookstore any more. It's more like a stationery store. I don't go there for books any more, ususally I turn to the library or Page One ot Harris. When I get to go there.

Haha Bedok 'BEE-DOK'! That's why I love The Noose.

Finished Dancing with Mrs Dalloway, it's so interesting. I want to read all the books inside.

I think I saw Ann Ward on tv. Or someone who looks a lot like her. On some advertisement, a fleeting moment. My mother thinks in chinese, I think in english. It's interesting. I dream in colour, but people from the black-and-white tv generation dream in blck-and-white. I don't have a single free day this week. No wait, Thursday. Next week is the start of school, I.. still haven't finished a lot of things. Like the 33 pages of mathematics. I've been stuck at the same chemistry question for two, I think three days. In the end I googled it but I still don't get it. Oh well, shall just try again later. And bio is untouched! I still don't feel any pressure yet.

2012-01-02T21:46:00.003+08:00

Dog Days Are Over will forever be relevant, and will always make me happy. It's fitting that it's this song that made me fall in love with Florence's powerful and intoxicating voice, this song that made me realise what a talent I've been overlooking. And now I'm a fan. Such happiness in this song. Pure joy and exhilaration, I think.

2012-01-02T21:46:00.001+08:00

I'm scared, so so scared. There's nothing to be scared off. What made me think that I've changed? I'm going to be all alone tomorrow for two whole hours. Just relax. Gah!!

I've been dreaming of apocalypses, panic and imminent disasters the past two nights, ie since the start of 2012. I never realised how concerned I was about 2012. Or maybe it's just some other stress factor.

I think I need a hug.

2012-01-01T15:43:00.003+08:00

I went there, and it doesn't hurt. Hell yeah, it's over, and a good day to you too.

I feel new. There's this freshness and sense of immense endless possibility that I get whenever a new year comes around. Went and smsed people I haven't seen/talked to in a long time, and things are going well for them as well. Glad to hear of it, truly. And meanwhile, I can't wait to see people again. I think my problems, all my worries and everything, kind of faded away with last year. Forgotten, sent to bed. They'll probably resurface later this year, but for now, things are going good.

2012: I wish for the best, and I wish for it to last.

2011-12-31T21:37:00.001+08:00

I am like a time bomb. I guess all this changing up of myself is in a bid to make me more stable, less volatile. More assured in myself and more confident. Trying to anchor myself down. A bit like tossing and turning in bed at night to fond a comfortable spot, I am still essentially myself, but much much more comfortable.

2011-12-31T10:22:00.001+08:00

Oh no Tumblr died on me!
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Oh no now Facebook and Twitter died on me too!

2011-12-30T15:35:00.008+08:00

I give in too easily to pain. I can't stand discomfort, which will be troublesome in the future. I always, for some strange reason envision myself in the wilderness, some forest, or maybe the great plains in Africa, somewhere like that. It will be so troublesome if I'm so addicted to cleanliness, or the feeling of being clean. I won't be able to survive there. Sometimes I think I should just get a desk job and live quietly for the rest of my life. Live normally, blend into the bourgeois. Give up, not my dreams, but my childish fantasy of having adventures. I still can work with animals. A vet, as Dr. L said. It's equally clean and neat, and less of a hassle. And the most important part is that I can do it in Singapore as well, I don't have to go overseas to practice. Maybe to study, but that's all. A simple quiet life, just like the simple quiet person I probably am.

Reading Conan painfully. I have to go to the next page by typing out the website. I really want to know what happens next! Have to switch to another reader oh well.

Found this book called Dancing with Mrs. Dalloway ^^ 'Stories of the Inspiration Behind Great Works of Literature'. Looks real good! Or interesting, at any rate. There're quite a number of works in it, like Narnia and Pooh Bear and Alice in Wonderland. And the deeper ones, like Animal Farm, TKAM and The Bell Jar. Maybe I'll end up writing a really good book out of it. I think dreams would make really good books, they are so fantastical and yet so unique and true to the dreamer. I wonder if there are people with the same dreams. I think some of the people inside created masterpieces from visions and dreams too.

As a form of celebration/consolation of finishing my attachment/losing my job, I went to the library. Ok, fine, I go there no matter what happens, but it makes me really happy. I should have resisted though, just returned my books and left, and then maybe I could have gone down to Jurong or even CLL tomorrow. There are so many more books there.

Oh well.

2011-12-30T10:14:00.003+08:00

Just realised that I do have Muse's Feeling Good. But it's a violin version be Escala. I want the deep bass though, it makes it so much nicer. Last days and good feelings all around, having random conversations on cleverbot and stuff. Absolutely nothing to do in the morning, Dr V's clinic and then I shall tie up the loose ends and hand over all my responsibilities.

Today shall end normally.

I just found out that my cousin left me a message on my iTouch notes about 3/4 weeks ago. Aww. If only it wasn't telling me how weird I am. She leaves me messages all over the place, especially draft smses. In fact I think that's strange. Rather than saying it to my face, she wastes her time typing out the message letter by letter.

Human relationships everywhere, I wish I could snip them all up, just see what happens. My mother had curly hair in the past. It just seems really convenient. But gosh, how do you comb curly hair? It's so curly! It doesn't look like it can be combed at all.

I can't wait to find out what jy has to tell me. I know it's sad stuff, stuff that will affect me quite a bit, but still. Curiosity killed the cat. Discussions. I miss school already. I'm not as independent as I thought. Secretly afraid of being alone. I hope I won't cry when people leave me forever. I don't like crying.

Rumour Has It & Bedroom Hymns ah so many awesome songs. My brother has Adele 19, considering if I should get it from him.

2011-12-30T00:54:00.001+08:00

http://9gag.com/gag/1293694 http://9gag.com/gag/1263864

Laughed and laughed and laughed. I must have some sort of a sadistic streak. Why else would I find this funny?

2011-12-29T15:19:00.006+08:00

I fit perfectly into this dress I got in sec 1. It's quite scary, it means I haven't grown in any other direction than up in the past four years. Even so, it's not extremely short or anything. Looks normal to me. People want to know how I do it, but truth is I'm not trying. I do want to be fatter. Just a little tiny bit. Small increase. I'm too skinny, I want more muscles and adipose tissue. I want to be fit, even though I'm too lazy to exercise/run.

Waiting for it to end, and then I can go home. Last day here tomorrow! It's ending the same way it started, with nothing to do. Just loose ends that I can't tie, and sitting around waiting for things to happen. At least we'll get to go Dr V clinic, and we'll get to say goodbye.

I am such a conflicting person. And my small appetite is troublesome. I eat too slow, and then people have to wait for me, which is a horrid feeling. I hate feeling like a burden/troubling people, it makes me uncomfortable. So I tend to run away and hide, maybe in the toilet.

Hoho 9gag.com is good stuff.

I secretly gathered a lot of information here I suppose. Stuff that I'll just index for now, and maybe I'll need it in the future. Want to go home! Fell asleep doing I&I book review yesterday so my mother very nicely let me sleep, even though I was facing the wrong side of the bed and MY PEN WAS UNCAPPED, so throughout the night a lot of ink evaporated away. What a waste! I've been wasting a lot of things recently, unlike the past. I used to be so uptight about wasting and now, guilty as charged.

Haha jy. Oh gosh I miss her and all my friends in school and outside. Crossing my fingers, maybe she'll be nice and come all the way down to the east side of town for udders. If her craving is strong enough. Hopefully! There's a sogurt at west mall! I went with my mother so we got a $8.00 cup. I want to go home.

It's quite sad that I tend to cut off all relationships when I leave a place. Chop chop! That's it there, you'll never see me again, you don't even have to remember me! I'll just be a good memory, that faint smile on your lips. I should stop doing it, it's cowardly of me to just run away and refuse to assume the responsibilities of a friend. And it's bad too, I'll be left with no friends. Or very little friends. Only those who truly care and try to keep me in their lives. So. Wait, actually it's a good thing. What?! I'm messing myself up now.

It's apparent, I'm just not cut out for deep serious thinking.

----------

I still feel like eating and munching. Should have bought the chilli dog like my mother.

I must watch The Noose!! MUSTMUST by this week must, because next week it won't be there any more and I'll be miserable. This weekend. A big gigantic must.

Nothing seems interesting now.

2011-12-28T22:03:00.003+08:00

I have so many things that I should sort out before returning to school and the extreme learning. So many issues. I need to talk to someone about it, unload on someone else. Then I'll feel better. Oh and I read this article and now I feel a lot better. I think acceptance is the key here. I just can't accept myself the way I am. Like how Florence mentioned that she's always going for this 'polished' look, but she thinks she's 'integrally scruffy' and it'll be quite impossible. Same with me really. Just accept it and move on. Why care about others? Took me long enough to sort out this part.

I'm probably going to have issues with myself forever. I must change it asap.In the meantime, I've devised a way to make myself feel better.

Firstly, I'm going to finish some homework. Because I remember when I dutifully and systematically finished all my homework in sec 4 and it felt FANTASTIC. The sense of achievement. It felt great.

Next, I'm going to talk to my mother. Because she'll make all my worries seem silly and pointless. But this good mood between us now is quite bad. As they say, there's always calm before a storm, and we both know it.

And then, I'm going to tidy things up. Because this feels great, it makes me feel like I can, with my bare hands, put my life back together neatly and organise it. This sense of control is just great. My mother packed it this afternoon for me though, so this might be slightly difficult.

Ok thats all, I'm gonna go start.

2011-12-28T16:30:00.002+08:00

Google chrome looks really cool and interesting. I've had nothing to do since after lunch. Except that one hour I spent replying the emails about the symposium. I miss certain people. I miss certain things. Like for one I miss the class, but I'm not going. I've decided and I shall stick with it. I could probably sneak off now without anyone realising it. But it's too risky, it'll be the second time in two days.

Reminiscent, the word I'm looking of is reminiscent.

Last few days here. I think I'll miss it. There's still so much that I want to learn though, but it'll have to wait. We get to go to Dr V's clinic on Friday. I hope he will be in, I'll be quite upset if he isn't. And next Friday we'll be back for OT, and also on Wednesday for the meeting.

Starving hungry, I can hear my stomach from up here. I wish something would happen.

OOpulence!!

2011-12-28T00:06:00.001+08:00

I was shivering like mad and my mother thought I was laughing. What the. She can't tell pure agony from amusement. And I'm her daughter some more. So cold.

SL meeting! We got something done, some plans made, and then we went to wander around 313 and Scape! $5 for one hour at the zone x there, too bad they're closing tomorrow. My hands are gna drop off I swear. All that basketball. Me and mh spam playing hahaha. Then wandered down the length of Orchard Road. Child acrobats are so amazing and scary. I wonder which country they're from.

Need to stop daydreaming/living in my head. Especially in public places. I end up blocking out everything except the music. But oh happy dreams they are though.

The Voyage Out. I have a feeling the whole book, or what I've read of it so far is just flying by my head and I'm not really absorbing it. Shall try my best to concentrate more.

NUS science canteen food is brilliant. It's strange that they sell (marvelous sumptuous delicious) fish and chips at the Salad Bar though. Ayam penyet! I want to eat it tomorrow. Oh but hm won't be around any more. Apparently she gets $75 a day working at ny. I should be a temp teacher too gosh. Too bad I can't and I won't. Absolutely refuse to. Things will come back to haunt me, terrifyingly embarrassing things.

It's reassuring to hang out with people who won't judge you any more. I think most of my friends probably judge me as weird but decide that they can live with it. Sad haha or maybe they think I'm funny or interesting or something. They are misguided, though. I'm probably as interesting as a beetle on a mounting board, it's a good thing most people don't realise it, until it's too late.

HMV is wonderful. They actually advertise Florence's Ceremonials. Wow. What a magnificent shop. I shall support it in the years to come. I want Muse cds. And a lot of other bands looked nice, shall make time to give them a try. I want a Beatles cd too, one with Eleanor Rigby and Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds! Or Born this Way. Or Janis Joplin, must have Summertime. Or Edìth Piaf. So many songs. That's why iTunes is amazing.

Come Friday and I would have spent 6 weeks at NUHS, ie 30 days and I haven't written a single entry in my logbook. Shit now I have to remember every single day painfully.

My wall is in a rather disgusting shade. It looks like greenish urine. Oh well deal with it.

My chest feels constricted, like I can't breathe properly. I might die of asphyxiation tonight. Oh gosh. Oh gosh. I shall be nicer to my mother tonight, and hope that I'll see her tomorrow. I hope it won't be painful. I hope my lips won't turn blue, and my eyeballs won't pop out, and my veins won't show like a map of the Underground. I hope I get a nice dream before that. Oh I had a weird dream last night. I was being considered for the coach of the soccer team, and they took my bus pass so I couldn't go home and Kevin McHale was dancing in green (awesome as usual) and I was in the toilet in my parents' room. Everything else makes sense other than the soccer part. I would've expected basketball, but soccer? Right.

Sometimes I wish I was drunk. I really want to try gin and vodka.

2011-12-27T10:30:00.002+08:00

I just realised how bloated I've been the past two days. Two buffets in two days. I think I ate too much satay. And all the cucumbers in the satay that tastes like pickles. And the really nice meat. Someone said it was beef, but I don't believe him.

Eek I can't find my boss anywhere and I have questions to ask her and omg OMG I think I'm gonna be axed and headless. There are doctors who have started signing up, and they have apparently chosen the wrong selection for registration fees. Strange really, I thought I made it quite clear in the email. All in NUH is exempted, select OTHERS. Sheesh honestly.

Someone is playing the radio. It sounds like oldies to me. Apparently you can borrow old movies from Esplanade library, like Audrey Hepburn movies. Woah. I'm gonna go there someday.

2011-12-26T22:21:00.002+08:00

Resist. I can do it. It's not hard to.

I have a $8000 injury. Should I be glad? The blood has turned purplish-black. I hope it's not necrosis setting in. And the muscleache I have now costs about the same. I need to cushion it. Or maybe I should just put counterpain, but... oh gosh. It's just wrong.

I must become
A lion-hearted girl

Everything is crumbling. Two days with relatives that I hardly see. Everyone is so nice and welcoming. I don't feel any different. The beach! I want to go there again, even though the sand is black and the rubbish overflowing.

I can't say what I really want to say. It's this self-censorship that I've set on myself, where the extent of it is determined by other people. All the time, everywhere. I'm never myself. It's like that quote I read in The New York Trilogy. The only place I am myself is somewhere I am not. In other words, out of this world. It's like this depression knowing that I'll never ever be able to rid myself of other people, that I'll never stop caring, about what they think of me, my actions, my clothes, etc. Partly, probably, because I'm young probably, and everything depends on first impressions, and I have the whole future in front of me and I have, HAVE to make sure everything works out. And it's different for older people 'cos they've got experience and they have less and less to live for.

I finally bathed properly for the first time in the last week. I have scratches all over that I never knew were there until I bathed. It hurts.

Too much cycling on uncomfortable (but expensive) bikes.

Caricatures is a soothing word. Caricatures caricatures. Imagine if there were caricatures of caricatures. And this continues, until you distill a person down to his/her most most prominent points, nothing more.

It's times like this that I wish I'm sitting on a nice cushion. PAIN!! And exhausted. I'm not thinking straight, and I don't think I actually can think straight. All my essays failed because I can't think straight. Sheesh. Giddiness setting in. Does alcohol have a delayed effect? Is it possible for it to delay 8 hours? But then again I suspect it's out of my system already so.

Can't take it any more. Sleep.

2011-12-25T12:01:00.001+08:00

Speak of the devil. The construction workers are here already.

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Sheesh forgot to finish posting. They've started painting the rooms. You still can see the green under the white paint. Meanwhile they've moved my bed and table next to each other. It's a nice position. Cosy.

I was watching The Holiday and the whole time I thought Cameron Diaz was Gyneth Paltrow. I didn't realise it until the credits. And halfway through i was still wondering why her voice seemed so much lower in Glee. Gosh fail.

Been feeling really bad. Must be the bathing from a bucket. I'm never fully clean and I keep getting headaches and my nose is screwed and the cold and gah just feel so horrid now, so dry and parched. I wish the works would finish quickly and maybe I'll feel better. I want to cut my hair really short, it's so irritating.

Bbq tonight, hope i feel better by then. Turns out we won't be going cycling. Oh well.

Hee christmas messages :D so many, I wasn't expecting any. Oh and jocelyn so long since I last heard from her. America is so awfully far away. Halfway across the globe. I don't get why people say flying from uk to us is halfway. Have they like never seen a map?

Horrid feeling!! Mind screwed. Read V for Vendetta 'twas so awesome. I think, or am inclined to think that V is actually Valerie the lesbian, but then he said she was from room 4. But at the end where Alan Moore discusses the making of the book he said something about a transexual hero. Just confusing. But still awesome though.

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Still screwed, still feeling sick and awful in general. D'you think people are out having fun now? I wish I could go for one of those year end countdown parties at Marina Bay or wherever. Just once please. I know I'll probably hate it, all that jostling and screaming and sweating. It's too unlike me, I know. But i guess I never knew myself well to begin with. So conflicting, I won't let myself be.

My stomach is acting up. If this goes on I won't get a drop of liquor tonight. I don't know why i keep wanting to drink though, just sone fanciful impulse that I've stuck with over the years. Maybe i think it makes me look cool or smth. Idk.

Readers Digest this month is good. They compiled articles, the good ones, from past issues. It's good.

2011-12-23T17:51:00.002+08:00

Why do we try to hurt so much?

----------

The silence is terrifying and oppressive.

----------

Brightly-coloured lights, and all that screaming and howling.

----------

I should have eaten less. Now I have no money for Starbucks or Gongcha.

But oh, what the hell. Stop it.

Questions have already started coming in. I must now check the webmail daily. The person wrote 'Dear Secretariat'. Wow. I'm now a secretariat.

HAHA went to XinMSN and read about the 13 weird habits of Kim Jong-Il. They are really funny. What an interesting person he seems.

I'm gonna get constipation at this rate. I have stopped eating fruits and vegetables completely. Rice is my one and only source of fibre. Tumblr!

2011-12-22T23:09:00.001+08:00

Tomorrow is the big day! Too excited. I keep running everything through my head. Have to type out all the email addresses tomorrow, and then out it goes to the world wide web! My little army of pixels.

Finance database was really bad. I took the whole day to finish two accounts, and even then I still think my numbers are weird. I prefer helping with Dr Errol's project, it seems easier in comparison, although finance is exciting. Too bad his project is suspended for now. How signatures can affect people.

The day just flew by. It's strange, I hardly noticed it. Only until quiet times like this. I must stop thinking that I'll have tomorrow. Living like its your last day is good advice. I think Kris Allen sang a song about this. Live Like You're Dying. Super motivated to finish homework now. I want to leave my last week free. Panic mugging had better start soon.

Talking with my mother about my worries/people problems is reassuring. She makes everything seem really insignificant, and that I'm worrying over nothing really, just over-thinking again. And this peace between us, rather than all the quarreling, reminds me of last year.

I don't want to be reminded of last year though, as much as I loved it. I will end up living in the past. Look ahead!

Secretly glad that my mother chose to put all the flowers in the house in my room. I kinda like it. Think I'll get a vase of fake flowers or some plant of some sort. Or maybe I should my terrapin's tank there, with her inside. It'll look nice.

Tomorrow! I... should draft the emails tonight.

2011-12-21T21:44:00.003+08:00

This huge amount of pent-up frustration inside me ARGHHHHHHHH!!!!

It would be better if I could really scream, instead of resorting to this. But I can't, people'd think me crazy and nuts, they'd look down on me. How tired those people at Tower Block must be! Constantly trying to get under each other's good books, masking their immense dislike for each other, trying not to think about those hours spent in close proximity in each other. They are, basically, forced to live with each other. And they are so presumptous sometimes that it's disgusting. I'd never thrive there, I know nothing of these things. I shall be the sponge, sponge up all the emotions they fling at me.

But I'm presumptous too. I've spent only 5 weeks with them, when there are 52 weeks. Onlt a tenth of the time! No no I must stop jumping to conclusions.

Ulcers are growing in my mouth ): It hurts, but at least I can chew now. Chicken!

Frustrated/disappointed with people ): I'm too tired to face people any more. I'm like bombarded. Don't know why I was so excited five weeks ago. Things have gone horribly off from my expectations. I should have known my imagination is over-active.

Keep your head down!

Feeling Good from Muse sounds nice. It also sounds familiar. Such a long time since I last listened to mainstream pop. Totally drawn in by Florence, all thanks to Glee. If I hadn't watched that episode. Gosh. If I hadn't watched that episode. Wow. Things would be drastially different. Yes, I shall resolutely believe that everything affects me positively.

Can't get over why people jump to conclusions. And why they stop trying after a while. Other than being lazy.

I need something to distract me.

MRO cubicle is so crowded everyday. 8 people squeezed into that tiny space. Have to escape! I need to sort out the emails by tomorrow, the blast is on FRIDAY. Shit I just remembered. I only have tomorrow. Must (must!) sort out the email list and get everything, and then on Friday just click SEND. And Kliven needs to send as well. I hope everything turns out well in the end.

The Barracks is getting more and more absorbing, I'm being pulled into its vortex. Vertexes are found in triangles. Just... wow. Such deep, dangerous and contagious thoughts. They are too dangerous to contain. I need to develop more, more!! Then I can contain these thoughts, then I can shape my own. Then I can craft beautiful sentences, string them together to make delicate webs to trap people's minds. I have to learn from them. Shall start on Virginia Woolf next.

----------

Muse is good. But they all remind me of some other tune. The bass in Uno sounds like the left hand tune for Carmen. And the tune of Feeling Good reminds me of another song and Janis Joplin. Maybe Summertime. They're very alike, the low deep bass. English songs shall always be my bias.

So alike yet so drastically different. Finished one I&I exercise.

I'm pathetically slow. Have to key in accounts tomorrow and truth be told I'm terrified. I can't even account for my own expenditure in a month. How can I be expected to do this for them? Simply terrifying, but when I told my parents they just laughed at me and told me it was the simplest thing in the world. "Just double-check!" Wow thanks. It's easy for them, they've been doing it for years and years already. Tis' what you get for having accountants as parents.

Meeting early in the morning tomorrow, three minutes to midnight. Don't wna get up so early, but oh well no choice now. I signed up for it. Can't wait to go for the next Dr V's clinic. He saw me and qx the other day and he was like "why don't I see y'al at clinic any more?" and then we saw him again today while going to mro. Anyway, he's really nice.

Sleep.

2011-12-20T20:36:00.002+08:00

The cold is seeping through my bones. The only time I'm not cold is when I'm walking through the carpark downstairs tower block. Please weather, just let up.

I'm in the cold everyday, I'm in the cold always.

Read Detective Conan. I want to read Naruto again as well, 400 chapters though, maybe even 500 now. And Jiraishin, the plot is just sick. And Count Cain as well. I'm glad that I've read them before. There's also a few that I want to read. Like the one about the guy who got locked up for 20 years. And maybe 20th Century Boys again. It'll be my third time, but it's so awesome.

Madagascar

2011-12-19T21:18:00.001+08:00

Omg! Madagascar is huge! I thought it'd be just a dot. It's an amazing place though, four different climate in one island. The diversity there is fantastic!! I wna go there someday. Evolution is amazing, Darwin is a genius. Lemurs are so cute! I think the only way you can learn about a topic is when you devote yourself entirely to proving it wrong. I wish they'd start on the reptiles soon, I prefer them much more to the mammals. Like turtles! Or frogs! Even though they aren't reptiles.

But honestly the biodiversity is really amazing. The animals are like nothing I've ever seen. They seem like aliens. I don't think convergent evolution can happen for them. Isolation + natural selection = AWESOME WOAH. Just wow.

It's been raining the whole day and it's so cold now. And I had to bathe from a bucket of warm water. I kept telling myself that people have it harder than me. It didn't work.

Mrs Pettigrew Lives for a Day looks like a nice show to watch. Sunday!

Watching Madagascar made me regret not taking geography. Whatever happened to self-learning? If there's a geography enrichment course in university I'm going to take it.

---------

There was a bird ruining this other bird's next. I was like "what does it taste like?" "do birds have taste buds?" "but they have tongues!" "i think the water heater might explode soon." "I don't want to die yet!!" "GOSH LEMURS."

"i wonder if there are sloths."

-------------

I've watched a lot of documentaries, I've realised. They all have the same storyline.

#1: Choose an animal and make it the star. Describe its diet, environment. Show it going about minding its own business. Then – ohmygod!! – predator appears!!! Exciting chase scene follows. If the star gets eaten/mauled to death, show another survivor. No matter the outcome, always end the segment with something like 'THIS IS LIFE'.

#2: Choose animal, make star, describe etc. then show mating process. End with something about how endangered it is and 'THIS IS LIFE'.

#3: Choose mother animal, make star, show it with the baby animals. Show them going about life and how they survive and what they teach to their young. 'THIS IS LIFE'.

Omgosh reptiles reptiles. They have the same mannerisms. There are tortoises in Madagascar. But they are endangered. I'm glad my terrapin is under 'Least Concerned'. I think she is the prettiest terrapin I've ever seen. Other than my previous two. No strange deformity, or discolouration. Crooked nails, but still she's pretty. My previous two didn't have good nails too, since they were constantly bit each other until the water was all bloody. Deformed claws. I miss them so. Want to go turtle garden again omg!!

2011-12-19T18:03:00.002+08:00

I'm sure someone will forget to bring cash. For sure. Confirm plus chop. Definitely will. I've been writing 'in cash' in bold, and I capitalised it in the registration survey. But I still get the feeling that some joker will forget to bring cash on the day.

Almost done with the invites! Almost. Shall sort out the list of people invited when I get home, and hope that the brochure can be 90% completed by tomorrow, and then send to J by tomorrow, probably get it back by tomorrow afternoon, and then can start preparations to blast it out on Friday.

I feel like getting a Cath Kidston wallet. They're selling it at the flea market downstairs Tower Block. I'm obsessed with floral prints, but not the polka dots though. Nice, but no thanks. Only $20!! It's still a lot though, I'll have to ask. But ah so nice! It's has a place to put coins and cards and everything and the notes won't get folded. And got the folded type also, the one that looks like my mother's. The type I like is more expensive. I want~ Heehee ^^ But I'm scared it'll get stolen or something. Gah worry wart.

OH YEAH they're also selling fleas at the flea market downstairs. Shall get some tomorrow hm.

Sloths are so cute omg. SLOTH. No wonder David Attenborough wants to be one in his next life. Sloths in tumblr some more omg crawling around and yawning and all that furrrrrrrr!!

Errol is the name of an owl in Harry Potter! Ron's family owl I think. Hahaha I just remembered it today. No wonder I keep associating Dr Errol with owls.

2011-12-18T20:02:00.002+08:00

So full. Chicken, chicken! I wna eat chicken.

So many things I don't get. It's like the whole world is just making trouble for themselves. Doing things that adds on to their workload, to fill up the empty hours. I just don't see the purpose. Maybe if I got out more I'd be able to understand how things work, but I'm surprisingly content with my ineptitude. Hoho I learned ineptitude from Newsweek! I need to remember the words I learn though, I referred to excoriate at least 5 times in the same issue.

Madagascar documentary on Monday!! Excited, can't wait to watch it.

Someone walked into my room and left the light on. Stupid, is it that hard to forget?

Her dislike for me emanates off from her. I can't stand it. Well sorry, too bad. If you're going to be so judgmental/such a bitch about it then fine. You can sink in your negativity. I hope you never swim back up, and I hope you remember it everytime you see me, or look at my face. I'm going to haunt you from now on, everytime you appear, I'm going to be so conflicting at you. Anyway it was just a misunderstanding. If you're going to be so shallow about it whatever. And to think you're supposed to be more mature than me.

Whatever.

2011-12-18T14:12:00.001+08:00

My gums are swollen and I can hardly chew. Anyway, I don't feel like eating anything. I regret asking for green and red for my braces. It looks kinda stupid, and no one will notice anyway.

The Barracks isn't interesting. It is INTENSE. Woah. Pages full of philosophy, about life and death. Everything is just talking about how mundane her life is and lacks meaning. Just woah. And this is only the first book of John McGahern. A lot like Ayn Rand. They're both trying very hard to get their point across.

Bedroom Hymns! New Florence favourite, but Heartlines is still ultimate :D

Continue

2011-12-17T16:11:00.001+08:00

It's so hard to find a blog. I tried bloghopping but i can't remember how I got there in the first place. It must be over two years since I last went there. And now I can't find it. I don't know why I suddenly want to find it though. Maybe because I dreamt of her, even though the name was different. It was a strange name.

Dr L's house is quite small, but I think the facilities there are quite nice. Had to leave even before we could eat his fried rice 'cos of dental. The rain was HUGE, I was soaked through. Freezing cold now.

Sometimes thongs are just so pointless and meaningless. If it was hassle-free than fine but it's not, it's extremely troublesome, and it makes the whole thing even more worthless. Why the trouble? Sometimes I really don't get how these things are run.

Witches all over. I can never spot a witch, never. Apparently if you poke the mole of a witch, it won't bleed. That's how people used to identify witches in the past. Going around poking moles. And so if you're unlucky and angiogenesis doesn't happen to you, you'd get stoned to death. Strange.

I do miss the past. I miss all the happy times I had, before all that stress came in. I miss the people, I miss the teachers. It seems like a far and distant memory, and it is. Everyone is to blame and yet no one is at fault. It just happened, we drifted apart, separate, and it's not something that can be helped. There were too many factors affecting us, we weren't able to identify all of them. We weren't able to disarm all of them. And so this happened, it can't be helped. Now we're just like strangers, smiling at each other politely.

Delving into memories is such a dangerously sad thing to do. And yet we have to. Sheesh. The rain is affecting my mood far more severely than I'd like.

2011-12-16T13:48:00.003+08:00

The RP students' last day here before they go on a two-week break, ie we won't be seeing them any more. Ad I guess it's upsetting that of the 5 HC students here, they only asked like Dylan and Kliven to go out to eat with them. Only the guys. Oh well, I can't help it if things turn out to this way. I was really looking forward to mixing with them at the start though, and I did learn a lot of them so oh well.

And to think they said they forgot to ask us along, after we finished lunch and came back. Sheesh.

But things are getting exciting here. We're going to be helping them organise a symposium! A bit rushed and tight for time, but still, I think it's going to be great. In charge of the invites, with great people helping out. The environment here is nice, everybody is so nice. But I'm sure something, some sort of conflict runs around here, I just haven't been sensitive enough to notice/put a finger on it.

Tonight by Big Bang is like my new favourite song. Not because of the song, but because of the MV. I like it when they start singing under that brilliant blue sky, that infinite expanse of clear blue. And Taeyang's crystal clear spring water voice, the sense of freedom/liberation when they sing in the middle of the desert under that intense blue. I love it. And the whole thing interspersed with the nightlife. I don't know why, but I love it. The mv, coupled with the song, is a masterpiece.

I have so much to say, and I don't know where to start. I'm so worried about my homework now, I barely started. I don't hate Dylan, even though he kinda abandoned us. I think it's a two-way thing, we didn't do enough as groupmates as well. I have this really... intense desire to be in a group. I can't really describe it, but I guess it's those four years of isolation that did this. Self-isolation, at that. But yeah, I value being in a group too much.

I can't keep up my train of thought. Big Bang Tonight!! And I also got 2NE1 I Am The Best and the whole Amelie soundtrack into my iPod. Happy girl now, but not for much longer.

The Barracks by John McGahern

2011-12-13T19:56:00.001+08:00

She was determined to grasp at a life of her own desiring, no longer content to drag through with her repetitive days, neither happy nor unhappy, merely passing them in the wearying spirit of service; and the more the calls of duty tried to tie her down to this life the more intolerably burdensome it became.

This book seems interesting.

2011-12-13T12:41:00.003+08:00

Reading 1000 Ways to Die episodes on Wikipedia. Half of them are stupid, the other half is bad luck. Seriously. Goes to show that really, everything can kill you. I shall try not to end up like them.

All the exciting stuff is happening next year! Like the questionnaire workshop, FIT outings, and the ophthalmology retreat. Why can't it be now man. I wna go too ): It's a lot more fun than going to school. I'm alone today, so I shall skip lunch. It's just so weird to go with Ruth and Sheryl and the rest. Anyway I drank milo and ate cookies so I'm still not hungry. Whee~ Maybe after 2 pm, I'll go get something to eat. Mr Bean or something. But definitely before Ruth gets back.

2011-12-12T23:32:00.001+08:00

Good mood now hee. When We Were Orphans wasn't as brilliant as I had hoped, but then I was really distracted throughout the whole time I was reading it (try reading in front of a tv when people are watching it) so maybe that's why. But I've decided to use it for book report anyway yay great ideas are flooding into my head!! Shall do the theme park one. So fun.

"I'm Park Sandara or Sandara Park or Dara, but I'm not Ssandara Park!"

The worst decision I've ever made must be watching MAMA 2011. Now I'm obsessed with 2NE1. Watching 2NE1 TV Season 1 now sheesh bad decision. Love them though, they're all such lovely people, even though they look so cold and intimidating on stage.

2011-12-12T17:51:00.002+08:00

We have same preferences, but distinctly different tastes. And I guess sometimes the bits overlap, and we have stuff to talk about, but otherwise it's just different. I don't know, I just get the feeling that she prefers more classic-y things, classic and calming and peaceful, and she's experimental about everything. But for me, I'm pretty much undecided. I'm easily influenced/affected, and I prefer things with a strong beat in them. More of a mish-mash than anything, but most importantly mysterious and intriguing. I like to be drawn deep into something and come out with a revelation/mindblown. I like that feeling, that WOAH feeling.

I rushed home, bathed, ate dinner, packed everything, only to find that I don't need to go. I have half a mind to just go, but I'm so late anyway. Eeyer if not for this I can continue staying until like tomorrow over at my grandmother's. I didn't want to come home. When I was young and my grandmother stayed over, I would cry when she went home. Cry really badly. Oh well what a waste of my time. There was CSI at 5 pm eh and now I've missed it. Sheesh agitated young girl about to explode with doubts.

Gah shall finish up When We Were Orphans. It's exciting, I'm finishing.

Mess

2011-12-11T21:47:00.001+08:00

So bored. High inertia. Avoiding homework. Why is Rachel's dog so cute!! Going around sitting on terrapins. Gah can't stand it some people are just limitlessly lucky and blessed. Like me, a bit, more or less, probably might be, yes most likely.

Whole day. Watching the tv the whole day. No wonder I'm in this state now. All the negative energy discharged from the tv. Over-stimulated by pointless mindless brainless images and messages. Bombarded by it the whole day. But I got to watch like 2 hours of csi miami so it still isn't so bad. Csicsi. I wish I've watched every single episode, ghost whisperer too. Exciting shows. Such a cold cold day, it progressed into a cold cold night. My grandmother suffers from insomnia. Spent like an hour watching big bang with jm. I prefer top now. Taeyang is still cool. Top is the love, so ultimately cool. But still he's human, nevertheless he's human, so it's quite reassuring.

I wonder if people actually read all these rubbish about my life. Kazuo Ishiguro!! I love the way he makes the characters tell us their story, like they're talking to their friends. Highly conversational style of narrative. A bit like blogging, highly conversational. Love it, and this one is quite exciting. I can't wait to get to the end and find out what happened to his parents in Shanghai. And then I'll go on to another of his books. The thing is when the character relates his story, there are hints scattered all over, hints that allude to the ending, namely what happens to his parents. It's exciting. You have to pick up all these hints and then you start piecing it together yourself, like its a puzzle. It's so interesting and oh I wna know!!

I'm spouting gibberish, a whole day of tv. I miss my mother. A bit. Heehee they probably changed my bedsheets for me. Oh gosh I miss my room and my terrapin. I'm glad I don't have a dog that goes around sitting on terrapins. Can't wait to go home tomorrow.

Gibberish again! I can't control myself, running amok like this. Can't settle down to think about anything seriously. See, witness the damaging effects of the tv on the human brain. Just like what the mother in Room said. The tv will turn your brain to mush, and then it'll leak out of your ears and you'll become a zombie. Oh but Room was a good and exciting book too. I like the narrative too, the pov of a little child. Apparently it was based on a real story, some guy really did lock up a mother and a child for like a few years. Exciting case it must have been.

10 pm Angels and Demons. Oh well nothing much else to do. Watch it then. Anyway, with my thoughts all in a tangle and running into each other like colours on a palette. Come on lets go.

2011-12-11T16:36:00.001+08:00

How sad it must be to be old. When the rest of your body fails and you are now, finally, trapped and confined in four walls, trapped in your mind. Pining for company, wishing for entertainment, craving for adventure. I now get why Ms Wong said she wants to die young. I don't want to grow old too, I don't want to be disappointed by my own body. I shall train my mind to think more, and be more active. Then maybe I can be some sort of a consultant detective. Like Poirot, that would be interesting. And if genetics had any significance, I probably won't be able to walk when I'm old, so I shall train my arms too, for when I need a wheelchair.

Secretly glad that V went overseas. Living at her house until Monday, if I didn't need to duty for prom night then I can stay on until Tuesday and watch 2NE1 on tv. So nice to have a cable tv. In fact, having a condo is nice, but it's so small and pretty dark here.

Focus.

2011-12-08T22:57:00.001+08:00

Hell, this must be the fifth Florence song in a row. 放了我吧.

I will eat you up, I love you so.

2011-12-08T22:42:00.001+08:00

I have 96 songs in my playlist Listen. I'm sure at least 40 of them are by Florence. Sheesh but I'm still not sick of it. Bedroom Hymns and Landscape!! My favourites on the second disc of Ceremonials definitely. And the Heartlines acoustic of course.

Diego Rivera's 125th birthday today! Went to google, took a look at the picture and I was like Diegodiego :O I wonder if they'll do that on Frida Kahlo's birthday. Speaking of which, I son't know when her birthday is.

I got a new table, and now I have to repack everything. Tough life, I don't know what to put wear at all. Being escapist now heehee. And I'm being really sentimental and all, looking through all the barely-used notebooks that I had in primary school. My mother told me to throw stuff away, but so far all I've been doing is taking out the stuff, look at them (ooh! aah! woooow!!) and then putting them back in. I only threw out the snoopy magnetic bookmarks (I don't even like snoopy, why is it even here?) and this comic booklet about healthy lifestyles I got in primary school (even then I still reread it, what a waste if time it was) and the so-easy-I-can-sight-read-it Eleanor Rigby score (it was so easy I forgot it to save memory space) and the PW magazines we got this year. Oh and my just started on a whim handwritten econs notes. I was just copying, seriously, desperate by that time. I have to pack up by tonight but I don't know what to do with it!!

I want to live in the here and now. I've never ever felt like I belonged to a place. I'm always pining for something more, wanting to be somewhere else, wishing I was someone else. I've never been at a place and thought that everything's perfect, I wouldn't change it ever. Never. Is this what they call wanderlust? Never at peace, never at ease, never belonging. Forever a nomad.

Stupid she told me to reply her so I did and then she goes off to ignore me. Tsk why do I have such screwed friends, if not there wouldn't be so many smses in my phone. I have to start deleting them again but I also don't know when to start. I want to keep them all, all those happy memories, but I can't. So wait actually having screwed friends is a good thing. Bad for them, bad for me, added up together and what do you get? A whole bunch of feathers flocking together and gossiping about the bird. And of all the songs my iPod plays, it plays Starlight. Sometimes I swear my iPod can read my mind.

Let's conspire to re-ignite
All the souls who would die just to feel alive

Lyrics are so adequate/apt/spot-on sometimes. Plus the melodies. No wonder people love it.

Motivated. Must finish packing my table tonight.

2011-12-08T09:49:00.004+08:00

My senses have become extremely attuned. I have a whiteboard in front of me, and my spectacles reflect light as well. I can see anyone coming from behind. Heehee I guess this is what happens when you don't do anything at an office. And I'm the first one they see. Oh well.

I finished The Perfect Play. It's a really nice book, I like everyone in it. Such nice and endearing and comical characters. Kazuo Ishiguro next, When We Were Orphans. It's quite childish actually, the way I decide what book I should read next. I don't feel ready to sink myself into it yet, though. Must always mentally prepare yourself when Kazuo Ishiguro's books.

Great change is underway. I woke up into a war zone, and it'll stay that way for the next month, probably.

Hoho Ruth told us of this website and now we have to complete a lot of the modules there. If we get more than 90 average we get a certificate! I just finished it heehee. Out of the 14 modules I have to complete, there are 5 without a quiz.

There's a buzzing in the office. It's not usually so active. The only time it was quiet in the whole of today was when everyone went for lunch. It really does feel as though we're on the edge of something, something big. All these people coming and going and being busy. I feel guilty.

Partly because I'm getting a new table too. It's there at home already. I feel really really guilty about getting it. I don't really need one. Gah stupid. I feel guilty whenever I buy something more than five dollars.

Ignorance is your new best friend, ignorance is your new best friend!

The Perfect Play

2011-12-06T20:20:00.003+08:00

"I still don't see how you could say that was good news."
"I thought you'd be happy about it. Now you get to be Sammy Davis Jr instead."
"Louie, the man had a heart attack and died."
"His wife had a moustache. What's the problem? He's probably glad he's dead."

I like this book. I guess this is what happens when you have endearing characters. But otherwise it's quite a simple and light-hearted book.

Time to start

2011-12-06T20:10:00.003+08:00

I wanted to type blogger but I typed bloger instead and ended up at the 'The Leading Genealogy Site on the Net'. Apparently genealogy is the study of families and lineages and ancestry and what-nots. Wow. What a useful discovery this must be. I'm absolutely certain that it would be of use to me somehow, someday.

Down to Dr V's clinic. He really tries to make sure that our trips down are fruitful, that we really learn something. He was telling us about how diabetes affects the body (which never struck me before) and how that in turn affects the eye, amongst other things. And vision tests, he was doing quite a few. They are interesting, and pretty simple tests. He did one to check the retina surface, visual field, and he did one for the suspect Marfan syndrome kid (but in the end he said there weren't any symptoms in his eyes). I think I learn more from Dr V's clinic than Dr L. But Dr L is much better when interacting with his patients, good rapport, which is probably quite important too. Gosh why is it so interesting! And we did a tiny little bit of database extension. We added a column into an excel sheet and gave our opinions on certain things.

Oh but. Stupid stupid stupid! My logbook is now covered with red ink, 'cos Mdm Loh marked it. Are you even supposed to do that? It makes my logbook look like some... excercise book. Logbooks are supposed to be this sacred thing. If there's a fire in the lab, you grab your logbook before you run for your life. That's the level of significance, the degree of importance, that you're supposed to treat your logbook with. To a researcher, the logbook is your life, it's the distillation of all those tens and hundreds of hours you spend in your lab. And now mine just looks like some common ol' excercise book.

In the meantime. I wrote 'TIME TO START' on my hand, so yeah. Time to start.

2011-12-05T22:40:00.001+08:00

2011-12-05T21:56:00.003+08:00

Eeek! Detective Conan isn't loading. The only choice I have is to try tomorrow at the tower block. Dr V's clinic in the morning though, so maybe afternoon.

I like it when my terrapin crawls around and suddenly stops there and looks as though she just noticed something or some thought just struck her inside that little head of hers and then starts crawling off again.

I cut my nails. This must be the best thing I've done in the whole of today. I can cut my nails without looking at them any more. I just need five snips, for every nail, just follow the edges. Don't need to look at it any more.

I watched Lady Gaga's Marry the Night MV. 13 minutes long, I kinda get the autobiographical part. Kind of. How I love her. There was one part in the video she looked normal. When she was doing the dance sequence. She looked quite nice, actually. And gosh the effort she put in. :D

But oh she reminds me of yern. Weird, but she does, a lot. Must be the face shape and everything. I miss her, I miss ning, I miss jiahui. I wonder how they're. But oh well.

I know too little, so little, about all these people I love. Coupled with shyness/fear of troubling people. I'll never get anywhere.

Rumour Has It/Someone Like You by Glee sounds so so sad. And with Santana looking at Brittany all the time. Usually when you just listen to the song normally it's just oh ok, but now it's so packed with sadness. But honestly Santana and Mercedes' voices are amongst the best. And Kevin McHale.

2011-12-05T17:10:00.002+08:00

I have to make an effort. If that's what I wna be, if that's what I wna get to, I have to make an effort, no more sitting around moaning and complaining and wishing. Must get up and go do something about it.

An Education! Have been thinking about it again recently. I feel like I'm facing similar problems. All in the mind, probably, but it's a good reference.

I got to see the retina today :D It was so sparkly all around, but in that tiny slit of light cast by the slit-lamp, you could clearly see the blood vessels and nerves criss-crossing all over the surface. And also the optic nerve, the spot where it exits the eyeball, a big yellow spot in the middle, and all the vessels were converging there. And we're helping out with another qol project, but in uveitis patients. Almost exactly the same. Uveitis is some sort of inflammation. Then we went and had lunch with the person in charge for this project. He was really nice, telling us all about medical school and the different areas there, and stuff that happened to him. But haha GCS 3! Quite accurate, but still. Really really mean.

But me? In med school?! I like the coat, but no thank you. I doubt if I'll cope, with the way I am and everything. I think it's really repetitive. There's apparently this branch of medicine called emergency medicine, and if you specialise in that you'll be in A&E. I asked, and he very nicely told me. I think if I go medicine I'll most likely do this, it's exciting and more challenging, or maybe ophthalmology, since I'm kind of fated since young. Oh well.

I started on homework! A bit more.

2011-12-05T10:13:00.002+08:00

There's this really cool eye exhibition going on downstairs. A lot of images of the irises of celebrities. I saw Fann Wong, and then I had to come up 'cos I was late. Shall look at it more during lunch/after work.

Ikea is the love. The canteen was packed, but the food was good. I might be getting an armchair! Stupid little idea, but my mother was quite agreeable. And I'm getting a new table. I feel really guilty now, I don't really need another one. My mother kept saying oh you should, it's getting small for you, but honestly. These days I work outside, like in the living room.

Speaking of which. Homework. Must must must start.

Look clear, focus.

2011-12-03T00:55:00.005+08:00

Why are the things that hurt the most irresistible ones?

Gaga, ooh lala.
I miss wu laoshi. She must be really old now, but still going strong. Still teaching calligraphy, probably, making jokes with the students. She was probably my most most favourite teacher from primary school. Most likely, now that I think of it. But I'm terrfied of her all the same, still the same. I want to hear her scold me about my horrid calligraphy, point out my flaws and praise my good strokes. I hardly improved at all in those six years. She must have had some sort of expectation of me, especially after looking at how well my brother writes. And then I won't do as well and she'd be upset and I'd feel really really bad. Tough life, when you're trying to impress someone.

Speaking of impressing. I... have this constant urge/need to impress people. Especially now, with all the RP students around, and Dr L talking bout straight line thinking and EQ. But he is nice. He didn't say anything when he saw me reading manga. Probably knows that we really have nothing to do now.

Dr V is nice too! Probably 'cos he has less patients than Dr L, so he can actually teach us about stuff. He was telling us about the slit-lamp and letting us try. And there was this patient, this really pretty girl, who had chalazion!! I got like super excited hahahahahahaha!! I had that when I was 3!! Or 4 or 5, I don't remember. But but oh!! I got it removed under general anaesthesia. In fact I remember the start of the operation, struggling against the nurse before the drug kicked in. I must have been really scared or something, otherwise the memory wouldn't have stuck. They did the procedure without general anaesthesia, though. Dr V was like, I don't think you can see this, how about y'all go back and try the slit-lamp and wait for me? Or you can just go off first, there's not much else for you to do. In the end we went off around 5.

But the eye!! It was really fascinating to see it under the slit-lamp. Couldn't see to the back of the eye, but still. Wow. Wow. It's seared into my mind. What a fascinating organ. To be honest fascinating doesn't even begin to describe it. It's just amazement and wonder and revelation and fascination and curiosity, and many more feelings I can't describe. That first time, when you finally focus and you can see the iris clearly, and the lens.

Can you imagine if i actually saw the back of the eye? The macula and the retina and the optic nerve and the fovea... It would be so great to see that. So far all I've seen is pictures of it, yellow mostly, with red lines streaking it. I want to see the real one, but I don't think I'll get to. I'll need to dilate the pupil, and hold up the magnifying lens too, and then focus again. It would take forever to get it right. But still, still! Maybe, hopefully.

The eye is a beautiful organ.

2011-12-02T13:56:00.003+08:00

I feel excited for what is to come. And the best part is, I'm engineering it. Coincidentally, I've been laughing to myself about this, and people are starting to stare. Now if I can only get it done before boredom/this sick sick feeling sets in.

myabstractmind@tumblr is interesting.

We both know, we know, I'll take care of you.

Take care.

2011-12-01T22:29:00.002+08:00

Chatting up to strangers online. Or rather, them chatting up to me. I shall be vigilant. But it's quite cool, it's 8 at wherever the person is, so it's from another country. If only we could talk without having to worry that the other person is some stalker and some day he/she will come over here and slaughter me and throw me in Bedok Reservoir.

I think it was a mother though. Married, and asking me about Miley Cyrus and Selena Gomez and Taylor Swift and Brad Pitt. And when I asked about Florence and the Machine she didn't know her. It just... sounds more logical.

OH GOSH could it have been a hacker? And while I we were chatting he/she was hacking away, gaining access to all my documents, screwing up the system, planting viruses inside. Oh my, dear me. This is why I don't chat to random people.

I just voted for Florence and the Machine. She is so awesome.

AWARD

2011-11-30T20:36:00.002+08:00

Totally blown away by If Nobody Speaks of Remarkable Things. The way Jon McGregor has presented the story, the narrative. You mean you can write like that and still win a prize?! Let me try it now.

Here I go:
I poured (more or less all the) soup into my bowl and it looked like a cross between an ocean and a cesspit. Or a combination of the two. A highly diluted cesspit, still retaining the colour though, strangely. I called out to my mother hey look at this we could use this colour for the wall, come here, I shout, again and again. After a while she gets (pretty) annoyed and gets up, and walks over tentatively, as though scared of seeing something horrid in the mock cesspit. Look here I say, come over here, and she says I know it's the colour right it's just the colour. I turn to her grinning and say yeah, the colour, how about I spill some on the wall right now, we'll save the painters a lot of trouble won't we, and she says how about we smash your head on the wall, and we'll use the colour of your brain, I think it'll be nice.

I stopped smiling.
---

I read it again, and it sounds quite like the way he wrote. A bit. A little bit. A little little bit.

At any rate, he won a prize like this. Now I shall find something mundane that ends with something tragic to write about, and then choose one of the characters and extrapolate and write about this character five years later. The character shall have just realised something life-changing (pregnancy, maybe? Or maybe a heart defect, or cancer, since Jon McGregor made me think that way for so long) Oh and then there shall be a secret admirer of this character, and this secret admirer's brother shall turn up, and the brother and the first character shall be mutually attracted, only to find that the secret admirer died on the day of tragic event, and then wham!
The end.

But it was good. Pretty good.

2011-11-30T18:03:00.001+08:00

I wish I finished If Nobody Speaks of Remarkable Things in one sitting, rather than over the course of two weeks. On another note, five more books waiting for me, all due next week.

2011-11-30T18:01:00.001+08:00

I want to take my camera and go out to snap people, things, moments. Pictures and memories, watch the pixels take shape, congregate and form this amazing mosaic. I hardly use it though, it's mostly my father snapping and testing, late into the night. What a pity, I'll never improve or get better this way. I mean. It's so hard to put it into words.

But Florence is right too. About pictures. And I agree with her too, so it's awkward.

I've been developing slowly. Thoughts and ideas, like finally! Seriously took me long enough.

Super Junior won best male group, and SNSD won best female group. So happy! I wouldn't have minded if Big Bang won instead. And I wanted 2NE1 to win! They are all speaking Korean.

Come on Taeyang, come out and dance. Let me see you move man. He's like a little rubber ball, bouncing around with so much energy. I also want to watch Rino dance, but no she's in Japan right now. And Heather Morris and Eunhyuk and Kevin McHale and Shindong and Taemin. Awesome dancers :D Forever smitten by them.

I started rereading Conan on mangafox again. It's been so long. I should also reread Naruto. I hate ongoing series it's irritating.

Wailing, that's what some of these singers are doing.

Electricity would zip up my hand through my nerves. The Schwann cells would make sure it's easy for it to happen.

In the end I didn't go down to the clinic. Just sat there and read Conan the whole day.

I wonder what people say about me behind my back, I wonder what they think about me. To be honest they could say it in my face if they wanted to, I'd be too lazy to retaliate or anything. Shall just go home and lick my wounds or something. Brood about it for days. Think of a reply only two days after the incident.

I want to get a tattoo!! Something along the lines of 'forget it' or 'stopstopstop' or 'think of hbc'. Yes something like that would be nice. Inked onto me forever. I don't get why people are so uptight and against tattoos though. What's wrong with them, I really don't get it.

It's nearly December. Nearly the end of this year. So many unresolved worries in me still, I hope they'll melt away come next year. Just disappear! Such childish worried, I have better things to do with my time.

I'm not calling you a ghost, just stop haunting me.

2011-11-30T17:35:00.001+08:00

He says, if nobody speaks of remarkable things, how can they be called remarkable?

2011-11-29T10:30:00.002+08:00

I promised myself not to come here but oh well.

I'm really scared that someone would walk by and look at me doing this. You never know when it'll happen, when the printer will suddenly spring to life and someone will come. And when Ruth will suddenly walk out and look at what we're doing. There's this eternal guilt there, when you're just slacking around instead of actually doing something, unlike all the other people.

AH IT JUST SPRANG TO LIFE!!

Horrid blisters, they're still hurting, even though I slept like 10 hours. Have yet to touch homework. Unmotivated to do so anyway. Shall just aim to finish 5 I&I exercises and the book review next month. You can't be disappointed when you don't have expectations.

Second dress in two days, what's happening to me! What a shock, to suddenly find that I don't have a thing against dresses, and in fact I rather like them. But no! I have this image in my head that I'm trying to reach, I shall not be side-tracked by dresses. Maybe when I'm in University.

Oh gosh University. I'm so close to one, literally, and I know how it works, and it's absolutely terrifying. So huge that there are bus stops all over. I want to live in the hostel though it looks fun and I get to sleep later.

You're like a floater, you know what to do with it now, don't you? Now do it.

Almost done with write-up, almost. So close. But heehee I feel too lazy now to be bothered by it. I have over 20 references in it already. In fact I may be over-doing it a bit. I add like a footnote to every sentence, and I try not to repeat my footnotes too. Oh but sheesh if that's the case then I only have 20 sentences. Why so little? I need more references and pictures.

Clinic the whole day. Looking forward to Dr Loon's KRW clinic later, actually. Even though we don't get to do anything, not even sit.

if nobody speaks of remarkable things

2011-11-28T20:59:00.001+08:00

I say too much of what, he says too much of everything, too much stuff, too many places, too much information, too many people, too much of things for there to be too much of, there is too much to know and I don't know where to begin but I want to try.

Garlands of silk

2011-11-28T18:50:00.002+08:00

It's a lie, it's all a lie!

So sleepy now, I have blisters all over my feet from the new shoes. It's tough being pretty, and I can't be bothered anyway. Went down to KRW to watch Dr Loon. I prefer KRW, we're less obstructive 'cos the doctor has their own rooms. Have I learnt a lot? We'll see. Dr Loon treats Airin like his own personal assistant though. He told her to like do all the inviting and planning for his gathering next month, so essentially he's just providing the place and the facilities. And the money. Airin is baking though, I'm not sure what. I want to try baking, I wish I have an oven. And fishing, my father said he'll bring us but he still hasn't done so. Speaking of which I still haven't gotten back to Airin. Hm.

My whole toe is red and swollen!! It's scary, it's as though the blood vessels are going to burst or something. The tiny capillaries, with only a one-cell thick wall. Or maybe they've already burst, and that's why they've burst.

Went all the way to Vivo to eat steamboat lunch :D Life is still quite good now, I have to cherish it. When DSRB approves of the QOL project I may have to go down to AH all the time to do surveys. Which is quite ok actually. Except that I'll be really really busy, with the database and PCR and everything. Mornings are still fine, but my afternoons will be packed. MAMA tomorrow!! Can't wait shall rush back tomorrow. I left (more or less) promptly at 5 today and reached home at 6. According to JM red carpet will be two hours (seriously you take two hours just to get to your seat?!) so it'll be just in time. I can taste the steamboat in my mouth.

Sleepy sleepy. Busy day, clinics the whole day. Maybe Airin will rescue us again.

Probably.

I want to be a linguist. Learn all the languages in the world, but I don't want to be a translator, so there's no point. Wei Si Li can speak a lot of languages, all the rare dialects, and lots of foreign languages also. He's also highly proficient in martial arts, and is very observant. He understands lots of non-spoken languages as well, and his wife is equally capable and beautiful.

It's just as well that he's fictional. I'd die of jealousy otherwise.

Renovation has started! I still haven't decided on a colour on my room. Going Ikea next week to pick up furniture. But I'll have to miss class outing, and I don't want to do that. It's a meaningless dilemma though, there's no point getting upset/frustrated over something like this. But oh well, I am.

I have to start deciding.

Crayons

2011-11-27T22:01:00.003+08:00

I am such a lucky, blessed kid. And immature, and exhausted. School wasn't this tiring! Today is over, the family I was attached to had two very cute kids. It was so awkward though, I was kind of just giving the answers for the crossword to their mother, 'cos the kids are too young to read, and the whole thing was just the mother and me doing. Totally defeats the purpose. It's great to be by the beach again, I'm all sandy and my soles feel really smooth.

Have to finish the glaucoma part of my write-up by today! Must, must. Left glaucoma in Singapore, treatment of glaucoma, and then formatting, maybe more pictures than I'm done for glaucoma! Then three more parts left I'll rush throughout the whole week. I'll be alone for two days, Dylan and Qx won't be around at all. Only me and the RP seniors.

So tired now, 10 hours! And after that dinner at AMK Hub and gah so so tired. Finish it c'mon!!

Grindelwald is JCB!!

2011-11-26T21:48:00.001+08:00

I once read a book called The Pursuit of Happiness. I didn't get it then, but I think I do now. Total revelation, more like.

I need to start on so many things soon! Like homework, and watching antm 17. I just watched half of an episode and it looks great. Kayla and Allison is still doing well, and Laura too. They'll get kicked out soon, so says Wiki. And swimming too, once this whole bloody thing is over and I can breathe at ease again. So many things... I should have come up with a sort of objective list at the start of the holidays.

So long since I last balled. I miss school already. I miss lunch especially. They were the only times I weren't half asleep. Speaking of which. NUS ASS canteen yong tau foo is freaking nice!! Oh gosh I want to go again, but the queue damn long and it's like at the other end of NUS. Good food. I wanted to make super super thick milo but there wasn't any more left. I guiltily finished it. And I also ate the second last packet of the very nice biscuits in the pantry. I feel guilty now, but they were really nice.

It's funny how things strike me suddenly. Very strange indeed. Oh well. I should be glad that so far none of these things have been lightning.

Secretly looking at Justin play a basketball game heehee! And jm still hasn't watched Inception haha I've watched it twice already.

Ghost Whisperer is so freaking nice and awesome I want to watch every episode from the start!! Even though it's ghost.

I want to give my terrapin a giant hug! But she's so tiny and her nails are long and hard ad pointy and she scratches me. My mother keeps telling me about how depressed she has been these few days, hiding under the computer and all. She thinks that we should spend more time together, 建立亲子关系. Seriously though.

Tomorrow shall pass. This too shall pass. Everything shall pass, one day i'll laugh at myself for being this silly.

Winners in the bin

2011-11-25T22:05:00.001+08:00

Just finished ANTM 16 last episode yay so glad that Brittani won. I liked her, like since the start. Even before I knew he won. I seem to gravitate towards the winners, other than in... 14 I think, when Teyona won. I preferred Allison. Or maybe it was 12, I don't remember. Can't wait for 17!! All stars season yay Allison and Kayla and even Isis! And there's also a whole bunch from earlier seasons. I think there's also Sheena from 13, the Nicole Fox season. I like these people, they are all so pretty and awesome. I'd start stuttering if I saw Tyra in real life haha.

Week one down, now that wasn't so bad now, was it? Watching Brittani reminded me of why I wanted to keep bangs in the first place. But then they cut their hair again at the end omg I want Molly's hair!! It's really cool, I prefer it to Brittani's. They're both really nice though. I don't feel like having long hair any more now. Feel like having it really short and cool-looking.

I wouldn't mind being a model, actually. It's a good excuse to take time off to learn other languages, like French. Not German though, but definitely Italian. Definitely Italian. I watched Nine, it's great. Fergie sang the Be Italian song, and her voice is really powerful.

Change, I need more of it. Big changes. Attitude is king! Attitude is key. I need to change, what a long way more to go!